This has been gnawing at me for months.  I have been saying, “Good job, good sharing, or good _______ (fill in the blank) far too often.  Not only am I sick of hearing myself say it, I am tired of hearing my husband say it and I suspect Birch is sick of hearing it. How did I get into this terrible habit? 

When I think back, it started with the concept of positive reinforcement. The thing is I KNOW better.

Papa Tree and I took Birch to a parent-child class to a waldorf school where one of the teachers advised us against constant praise like, “Good Job!”. It appears we didn’t fully listen.  Now Birch is at a montessori school. When I picked him up last week, Birch was placing a doorstop against a door.  He exclaimed, “I did it!”.  His teacher said, “I see you put the doorstop there. That will help keep the door open.” Birch smiled. He didn’t need her to say, “Good job!”, he felt proud himself. He only wanted acknowledgment that an act had been performed.  Months ago, I went to a seminar about the value of “Play” by Dr. Forman,  a renowned speaker. He talked about play especially as it relates to the Reggio Emilio philosophy.  He advised against qualitatively commenting on a child’s behaviour. He suggested that when a child plays it is best to “say what you see”: to describe to the child what they are doing. Then to ask them a question to push them to think about the action more comprehensively. So with all this information, why do I still say, “Good Job!”?  I think it makes me feel that I can have some control over Birch’s behavior. That I can direct him to good behaviour with this positive reinforcement. That I want to make him feel good. That he genuinely HAS done a good job and I want to acknowledge it.. It’s convenient and easy to say and makes me feel good too. But will he eventually just do good deeds so that he can get my praise? What happens when I’m not there? Am I making him dependent on me? Will he start to look to me to tell him what is good or what is bad? I don’t want to tell him how to think about his actions: I want him to evaluate them for himself….don’t I?

With all of this brewing in my brain, my sister gave me a handout she acquired from her childrens’ school. It is an article by Alfie Kohn, titled, “Five Reasons to Stop Saying, ‘Good Job!’” Kohn says “Good job!” is “the opposite of praise. ‘Good job!’ is conditional.  It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgment and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us.” Arggh….I feel bad enough already! But even worse, Kohn says that “scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward.  Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create-the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker or a “Good job!”. So what do we say?

Here is what Kohn suggests you say when your child does something that is awesome.

1. Don’t say anything. This is what the waldorf teacher was trying to get us to do.
2. Say what you saw. This is what Birch’s montessori teacher did.  It
   lets the child know that, yes, you saw what they did. Kohn says that a
   more detailed description may be appropriate at times too like, “that was a very heavy doorstop that you moved into place. That doorstop will help keep the door open for the next class of
   children.” Kohn uses the example of a child drawing a picture. For a more detailed description, you might say, “Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!” or “This
   mountain is huge!” This is feedback, not judgment. Or, if your
   child does something generous, Kohn says, tell your child how it makes
   the other person feel. “The dog was so happy that you pet him, it made
   him feel so good. See how his tail is wagging?” You aren’t telling the
   child how YOU feel about her sharing.
3. Talk less and ask more. This is what the Reggio Emilia expert told
   us in his seminar. He suggested that you can “say what you saw” but
   then add a question to push the envelope. He used the example of a girl
   who was pretending to pour tea for her peers. Then, he suggested, ask
   the girl, “was that a lot of tea or a little tea you just poured?” Kohn
   suggests to ask more too. He mentions that if you like a drawing ask the child what she likes the
   best about it.

But so how do we work to encourage positive behaviour and discourage negative behaviour which seems to be the main reason I use “Good job!”? Kohn suggests bringing the child into the decision making process. You need to sit down with the child and ask, “What do you think we can do to solve this problem?” It helps a child to learn to make decisions, solve problems and see how their ideas and feelings are important. Bribes and threats don’t do that. (Though I have to say that threatening no book at bedtime seems to be currently working….!) And, I wonder, is it truly possible to discipline without threatening to take something away for misbehaviour? My friend who has 5 children and loves Kohn’s philosophy thinks “no.” She thinks that threats are necessary sometimes.

Finally, of course you do want to praise your child. Kohn says, that’s fine, but consider your motive- is “it to help a child to feel a sense of control over her life—-or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right—or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head?”

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