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Here is how I left the house yesterday with Birch. (Papa Tree was taking care of 8 month old Willow for the day):

• First, give her Tylenol. But only .8 ml.
• Second, take 2 cubes of sweet potatoes out of the freezer and warm them up with a little water in the small pan. I think it is in the dishwasher, but if not, it is with all the pans.
• Then, give her a little milk, but not too much, because I don’t want have to pump when I get home. And, actually, I just gave her a lot.
• Then put her down at 1 pm.
• When she wakes up, take her temperature and if it hasn’t gone down, please give her a cool bath. But not too cold, just lukewarm.
  

Oh vey! As if he couldn’t figure some of this out on his own. OR, even if he didn’t get all of it, I am sure Willow would have been full when she went to sleep (whether it was with sweet potatoes or milk) and well taken care of. As it turned out, I came home and they had contentedly spent the afternoon both asleep- she, in a reduced fever, he, in a heavenly peaceful house. This is our second child. I know he doesn’t need step-by-step instructions. It’s time for me to stop the baby primer, for his sanity and mine. (Boy, will it feel great to stop!) Alice’s advice below is great for reigning my Know-It-All me in! (And recognizing Dad is a Know-It-All too, just in a different way).

In Defense of Dads: Part One

Alice Kaltman

by Alice Kaltman

It’s not officially Father’s Day. But let’s say for a moment that every day is father’s day. Not a day when fathers eat whatever they want without scrutiny, watch hours of sports on TV, receive handmade Father’s day cards, slippers, and/or electronic gadgets, but a day when dads are encouraged and respected for their parenting skills. I know what you’re thinking: not an easy task given the lack of support in the private and public sectors for paternity leave and stay-at-home fathering. It is common in the first months of parenthood for even the most evolved couples to slip in to more conventional roles. Mom becomes primary nurturer and parenting expert, while Dad is relegated to glorified equipment schlepper and parenting sidekick.

It’s understandable how this happens, and why in some ways, it’s necessary. Particularly in pregnancy and the early months of parenthood, moms are in much closer physical contact with the baby. There is an early immediacy and attunement to the baby’s needs. While all other aspects of their lives have been upended, particularly if they are not returning to previous work or vocations immediately, moms can focus in on the baby and spend lots of time trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. It’s a new area for a woman to feel competent and powerful when the other areas are temporarily, or permanently gone. But what moms know or think they know, only applies to their own relationship with their child, not necessarily to anyone else’s, and especially not their partners.

While moms are clocking the hours at home, Dads are usually thrust back in to the work world and are not given the same time to really learn their own ways with baby. If you add in a newly minted expert mom with a tendency to over-control and criticize, a dad will withdraw or defer more and more in response.

So what’s the remedy? For starters, here’s a bit of advice:

Moms:
- Put your man in charge as often as possible. He can do everything you can, in his own way, except whip out a boob and nurse. Don’t hover. Walk away, leave the room. Hey, if you can, leave the house.
-Resist being a Know It All. Resist perfectionism. Let him figure it out his own way. If that means your kid is wearing striped leggings and polka-dot onesies, or no hat on what you perceive is a cold day, so be it. The trade-off may be an over-stimulated and nap-deprived baby who’s had a fantastic day at the zoo with daddy, but it will be worth it. Let some other, nice (or not so nice) woman on the street be the one who says, “That poor baby needs a hat/nap/bottle/diaper change” or “Excuse me young man, that onesie is on inside out/backwards/belongs on the body, not the head.”
-If you’re having a particularly hard time letting go, and it is causing you undue anxiety, ask yourself what else might be going on that has nothing to do with your partner’s parenting prowess? Are there other areas of your life that seem out of control? Are there other reasons for not trusting your partner? Are you overly influenced by the examples of friends and family?

Dads:
-Try not to ask, just DO. Clock as many hours with your baby or toddler as possible. Take risks and be bold in developing your own nurturing and play styles. It is highly unlikely you will traumatize, drop, freeze or poison your kid. But do be realistic, if you really need direction from Mom or that nanny in the playground who’s just dying to give you some advice, ask for it nicely, and accept her influence.

And Everyone:
-Make sure to read In Defense of Dads, Part Two, to be posted here tomorrow, where I’ll share some researched facts on why paternal involvement is so important to the physical, emotional, and intellectual development of children.
-But in the meantime, shake it up, relax and take some role-reversing parenting risks. Not only will your baby reap the rewards, but your relationship will benefit as well.

Alice Kaltman, L.C.S.W. has been working with parents and kids since 1988. In 2006, she co-founded Family Matters NY with Sara Zaslow, L.M.S.W. FMNY is a parenting coaching service for Brooklyn and Manhattan families, providing support through home and office visits. Alice lives in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn with her teen-age daughter and husband, the sculptor Daniel Wiener. She also writes fiction for kids, and dances professionally in her spare (?) time. Write to Alice at info@familymattersny.com. To see her resource listing and reviews on the blog, click here and here

Alice has her own page now! You can see all her articles listed here.

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