The Case Against Dr. Sears
It’s hard to ignore Dr. Sears. His son’s book, The Vaccine Book is very popular and discussed in my circle of parents. He has a wide presence on the internet. He has created the entire movement of attachment parenting. His beliefs have encouraged the use of “wearing your baby”, a popular practice that I personally love. Soho Parenting (Jean and Lisa), Experts on this blog, see the influence of Dr. Sears’s philosophy of attachment parenting has on their clients. These mothers are exhausted, overwhelmed and feel guilty for wanting some time to themselves. A recent article in The Atlantic, challenges our society’s current push for exclusively breast feeding. Jean and Lisa ask, is it really about the pressure to breastfeed or the pressure to be with your child 24 hours a day?
Is it the “Case Against Breastfeeding” or the Case Against Dr. Sears?
Jean and Lisa
by Jean Kunhardt and Lisa Spiegel of Soho Parenting
The Case Against Breast Feeding by Hanna Rosin appears in the April issue of The Atlantic. The title is sensationalist. The content of the article addresses inconsistent findings in medical literature about the superiority of breast feeding, the snobbery of the 21st century perfectionist supermom, and the possibility that the pressure to nurse is a new form of prison for women. All interesting. In our previous post on breast feeding we addressed some of these same issues. Judith Warner, of the New York Times reacts to Rosin’s article with admiration and the anticipation of reprisal. While she applauds Rosin’s challenge to present day pressure on women to exclusively beastfeed, she fears the backlash. “I am sure that … the Dr. William Sears-inspired attachment parenting crowd will soon assail {Rosin} in the blogosphere.”
We are struck that both Rosin and Warner still look to Dr. Sears and his disciples for affirmation. We were hoping we were about done with Dr. Sears and “attachment parenting”. I can’t count the number of mothers who have come to Soho Parenting with “Post-Traumatic Sears Disorder.” Here are the symptoms: debilitating guilt, exhaustion, crying outbursts, marital conflict and a baby who cannot sit or play independently for more than two minutes. Of course, that could describe any new mother, but the followers of Sears have a special brand of this overwhelmed state. They have drunk the Sears Kool-Aid that 24/7 nursing, holding, “bonding” with your baby is the only way to secure the mother baby attachment. They come for guidance when their babies are 6, 9, 12 months, feeling like complete failures. They just can’t manage what Dr. Sears’s wife, Martha Sears has purportedly done with her 11 children.
The detox program we offer is simple. Feed your baby during the day when she should be eating. Have them sleep from a nice early bedtime until morning. Honor your babies need for comfort, connection and love as well as for solitude and their capacity to use and develop their own resources.
Jean Kunhardt, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, has graduate degrees in Early Childhood and Special Education from Bank Street College. In addition to leading parenting groups, she specializes in children’s sleep as well as working with couples and adults using a mind-body approach to psychotherapy. She and her sister, Sandra K. Baslie, are the granddaughters of Dorothy Kunhardt, creator of the beloved children’s book, Pat the Bunny. She is the proud mother of high school and college-aged children.
Lisa Spiegel has a Master’s in degree in developmental psychology from Columbia University and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. From her two decades of work with adults and children, she has developed an approach that draws on an eclectic range of disciplines, including psychotherapy, hypnosis, meditation, yoga, and EMDR. She also specializes in children’s sleep issues, as well as marriage counseling. She enjoys spending time with her high school and college age daughters.
For more than two decades Soho Parenting has offered realistic, insightful and practical guidance to strengthen parents and help create close and communicative families.
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Related Posts:
- Father’s Day Ode (June 19th, 2009)
- Is Child-Centered Parenting Over? (June 8th, 2009)
- Kindergarten: Where Is The Play? (May 21st, 2009)
- Do You Have A Parenting Blind Spot? (March 12th, 2009)
- Problems in Nursing (January 19th, 2009)
There are interesting point here in these 11 post. I’d like to adress them all.
To being, first and most importantly, any method of parenting must fit the parents and the childs needs, PERIOD, to raise a child in a positive environment essential for their development.
It has to work for the parents as well as the child.
One side says Kool-Aid, the other says that the moms who are anti-Dr Sears are self-centered New Yorkers. I don’t drink anything that isn’t water. juice, diet soda, or cystal light, and I don’t live in NY. Where do I fall here?
Low calorie drinker who like to get a mani and pedi here and there?
There is no right or wrong style of parenting but insulting each other for developing parenting techniques that is a good fit for our familes is childish and immature. It’s like the five year old on the playground who when their frenemy pushes them on the playground and calls them a stupid head, they push back, hurt and angry, calling the aggressor a “stupid head!’.
That being said, there are undeniable facts and reoccuring events that support anti-Dr. Sears view.
Just like Dr. Spock, Baby Whisperer, Deferberization, or Dr. Sears, there is no one size fits all style of parenting. Parents are supposed to do what’s best for the family as a whole, and what works individually with each kid.
My story and our resistance to anything that rhymes with proctor-shmears is because of the follwing:
I went full terms with my two adorable twins. My good friend who used Dr.Sears Baby Book as her bible bought me one as a gift a day after we came home from the hospital. She used it for her ten month old son, and said is was incredible. After a few days home from the hospital, my husband and I said thanks, but no thanks. My friend is wonderful, her husband is wonderful, and her son is a cutie but an absolute nightmare. He was waking through the nigh, fed different times a day, and demanded a lot of attention. Their lives were a day to day of stress, aggravation, frustration, and guilt. Now they have another boy, and the older child is not only aggresive towards his brother, but to any child his age or younger he deems a threat. I am sure looking back they realized that the Dr. Sears method wasn’t working for him, but by that time, it was nearly impossible to try to parent him any other way. My friend is a devoted mother, always putting her kids needs well before her own, but she became a frazzled mess.
I thought it was just my friend. Unfortunately, anyone I know who swore by attachment parenting has experienced the same fall out, and I know quite a few people. My boys are alseep from 8-7, have regulated play, snack, lunch, and nap routine. We were a lot more strict in the beginning and people either called us too strict, militant, or downright dictator like. Undeterred, my husband and I stuck through it and had the babies sleeping through the night at six months and routined from 4 months (With obvious setback of teething, illness, vacation, or alteration to due age, etc).
Another close friend, Stacy, avid Dr. Sears follower, allows her son to sleep on the couch, goes to sleep when he is “ready”, and eats what is “good for him according to him” and he is nine years old!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worse case I ever had was when I ran a baby sitting group with a woman who I think had a pocket version of the book. At first I didn’t realzie, but her unhappy and stressed out infant should have been the dead give away. The transition of the other baby in the group in comparrison to her child was like two kids from different solar systems, and her kid seem resemble a black hole! I couldn’t put my finger on it until I was discussing how I don’t hold her daughter all the time because I don’t use the Baby Book, and defensively she looked toward her book case, and low and behold, there it was, with its pages and bind clearly worn as signs of hours of read through and consultations. Her daughter was underweight, had to be fed the rest of her bottle with a syringe (which I refused), cried for hours for every day for A MONTh when her mother left for work, and was a very high strong and unhappy child. The mother had a serious problem with her kid getting upset. I, coming off my development course work, knew that she is just communication and demonstrating that she is unhappy either her play scene, diaper situation, hungry, wanted some one on one time, etc. This woman could not handle her child crying for a moment. It was so out of hand that one time she came home one freezing cold November day with groceries after work, and left some of them in the car while she greeted her daughter. Needing to get the rest of the groceries, she started for the door, which of course, set her daughter off into the pre-crying sounds and expressions. She then decided rather than let her daughter be upset for ten seconds, she held her one handed, took her out in the below 32 degree sans coat, hat, or scarf, grabbed fistful of groceries, and came back in the house. Time her daughter would have been upset while I comforted her: 15 seconds. Time her daughter was exposed to the early winter weather (she already had a bad cough that day): 5 minutes.
All the while, she was having some marital stress because her fiver year old sone had been sleeping in their bed for nine months straight!
Hmm, attachment parenting or simply way tooo attached?!?!?!?
I get frustrated, annoyed, and sometiems downright frazzled. Heck, when I get a bad grade back from school, a good yell or shry (obviously not in front of my kids) is just the way I need to blow off some steam before I can get to the gym or yoga class. I am, afterall, a human being. If I had my husband hovering above me, consistently and naggingly, asking “Are you ok? What’s wrong? Can I help? There, there, it’s ok. Oh honey, it will all work out. Shhh, shhhhh (rock rock)!”. not only would I probably have punched him in the nose from being so annoyed by his persistent concern, I would never learn how to deal with these mild setback myself properly when he isn’t around.
Unlike what some of pro-attachment parents may believe, I read that book cover to cover. I know all the methods, the B’s, the bonding, the co-sleeping, etc.
I also read in the Baby Book about all the wonderful examples of kids who could play independently, and how confident, calm, smart, well adjusted they are. I also know about how Dr. Sears very much pushes his agenda as well as makes the mother/parents feel inferior if they don’t use these methods. This to me is a way that he pushed his message and downplays or scares parents that another way just simple ‘ins’t right for a child’.
Some of my favorit excerpts to demonstate are as follows:
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Shutdown Syndrome
The Shutdown Syndrome: Sears Sucker-Punches the Maternal Guilt Complex
Welcome back to the crying game! To continue our discussion, I found an anecdote at askdrsears.com that I found worthy of deconstruction. Anyone care to join me?
Dr. Sears writes:
Heather had previously been a happy baby, thriving on a full dose of attachment parenting…The whole family was thriving and this style of parenting was working for them. Well-meaning friends convinced these parents that they were spoiling their baby, that she was manipulating them, and that Heather would grow up to be a clingy, dependent child.
Parents lost trust…They let Heather cry herself to sleep, scheduled her feedings, and for fear of spoiling, they didn’t carry her as much… Heather went from being happy and interactive to sad and withdrawn. Her weight leveled off, and she went from the top of the growth chart to the bottom. Heather was no longer thriving, and neither were her parents.
His example doesn’t end with Heather. It continues:
Babies who are “trained” not to express their needs may appear to be docile, compliant, or “good” babies. Yet, these babies could be depressed babies who are shutting down the expression of their needs. They may become children who don’t speak up to get their needs met and eventually become the highest-need adults
Baby lost trust. After two months of no growth, Heather was labeled by her doctor “failure to thrive” and was about to undergo an extensive medical exam. When the parents consulted me, I diagnosed the shutdown syndrome…They unknowingly pulled the attachment plug on Heather, and the connection that had caused her to thrive was gone.
Babies thrive when nurtured. We believe every baby has a critical level of need for touch and nurturing in order to thrive…We believe that babies have the ability to teach their parents what level of parenting they need. It’s up to the parents to listen, and it’s up to professionals to support the parents’ confidence and not undermine it by advising a more distant style of parenting, such as “let your baby cry-it-out” or “you’ve got to put him down more”.
What parent (who is on little sleep, food, or has barely said anything to their patner in the first couple months of being a parent that didn’t include the words “diaper” or “bottle”) wouldn’t start to panick that if they didn’t wear their baby all the time they were causing mental damage?!?!?!
Again, PLEASE READ CAREFULLY- I am not saying that the idea that attachment parenting is wrong, or you are nuts if you drink Kool-Aid, nor I am saying that Dr. Sears doens’t have some good ideas and means well.
I raised my kids on the Baby Whisperer Method: Her message is simple and E.A.S.Y. Love your kids, love yourself, but you be the PARENT, and you child is THE CHILD.
Quite honestly, his method is simply not practical. I would love to meet some well adjusted kids (perceived by their day car provdiers, siblings, relatives, but NOT THEIR PARENTS who only see the good in their kids) brought up on this method.
Until that day, the Baby Book is banned from my house until further notice.
I have 2 babies – 29 months and 12 months – with a 3rd one on the way. I would describe my child-rearing style as more traditional-but-with-a-heart – bassinet/crib sleeping arrangement, a couple minutes of fussing at bedtime is tolerable but I will tend to them if they are overly upset or don’t settle in after a couple minutes, more structured eating/sleeping routine with flexibility when necessary, etc. I am lucky enough to be home with them FT, so while they certainly get their fair-share of attention and love, I insist on them getting their independent-time too.
Recently, I started babysitting a niece (now 10 months old) who has been attachment-parented since birth. For the past few months that she has been coming to my house a couple days a week, it has been nothing short of a nightmare on the days she is here. This child has ZERO coping skills and cries constantly – sometimes to the point of vomiting all over the 2 of us – because she can’t deal with being away from her parents. On the days she is here, my 2 babies are distressed by her crying and are completely confused by the disruption and by my lack of attention to them. If I am not holding her, she will not stop crying – and sometimes holding her doesn’t even work. She doesn’t nap well because I obviously can’t nap with her, and her eating skills – both bottle feeding and solid foods – are very immature for her age. When I’ve tried to get her involved in group play, she has been extremely aggressive. She has tried to bite my 12 month old on the back, she has head-butted him when he has crawled next to her, and she has scratched my 2 year old’s face on many occasions.
Her parents insist that she is not like this at home, and I really do believe them. I have no doubt that when at home – by herself, with no competition, with no schedule, and with no limits on her demands – she is happy as a clam. But it’s painfully apparent that when she is outside of that cocoon, she can not deal. My husband has even stayed home from work a few of the days she has been here so he can see what’s happening and lend a helping hand. Because she’s family, we have a ton of love for her and her parents so it breaks our hearts that things are so chaotic. We have been trying really hard to make her feel comfortable and to work with her parents on finding a solution, but things are not improving.
She is the only child I’ve known who has been raised by the AP method, and she is the only child I’ve known who has consistently had issues interacting with others outside her own environment. It seems pretty apparent to me that this AP style has done this baby a great disservice when it comes to her dealing with new experiences and situations. While AP advocates are insisting that it’s “natural,” it seems completely unnatural that a child would be this upset on a regular basis. I really believe this method is doing more harm than good, and I’ve experienced the proof first hand.
Sears and his band of followers strike me very much as a cult. My girlfriend is very much into the AP lifestyle. Luckily her Dad pays for everything and this affords her the fantasy world of raising a kid incapable of doing anything for himself. He is now 3 years old and if she gets up to go to the bathroom he has to go with her. She isn’t allowed to take showers, because he doesn’t like them. He rarely lies down for a nap by himself, so she is pinned under his arm for several hours while he naps. Her son, as well as all of the AP kids that I have met, are the most emotionally needy children I’ve ever met. Additionally, they’re also the most violent kids I’ve ever seen.
My brother’s kids (all of ‘em) have all been raised normally. They sleep in there own rooms, they didn’t go through extended breast feeding, and they weren’t with their Mom and Dad 24/7 – yet they are turning out to be incredible human beings. How is that possible?
I hope the AP kids turn out fine, I really do, but I foresee problematic relationships that Sears hasn’t accounted for. For example, my gf’s kid when he reaches dating age. What happens when a girl says no. All of his life has been spent with his Mom 24/7 bonding, nursing, never letting him cry about anything, always acquiescing to his every demand – what happens when his girlfriends tell him no about something? That really worries me.
Every forum that I’ve read has the exact same comments, from some of the same commentators even. As a guy who is trying his hardest to love a lady and her kid – AP really sucks. My apologies for being so blunt, but it really truly does. AP strikes me as a fantasy land for hippies, hedonists, spoiled rich girls, extremely immature girls who don’t want to grow up, or some combination of the preceding arch types.
Raise your kid, but don’t forget to grow as a person yourself, because your kid is, at some point, going to grow up and he just may need you.
There are some really thoughtful and balanced comments here.
As the Editor and Founder of this blog, I should have suggested an alternative to the reference of “Kool-Aid”. I apologize.
As we all continue the path of parenting, there will be times we will diverge in opinion, disagree with Experts, each other and our spouses. I try and present differing opinions through my choice of Experts, articles and research. My goal has always been to present various pathways to parenting, some of which may interest you and others may not. Ideally, you will be informed and, combined with your instincts, find your own personal parenting style.
P.S.- I think Margaret’s comment above was excellent- balanced, well-written and offered insight. I would suggest reading it.
Got to wonder how much attachment parenting orientated advertising A Child Grows in Brooklyn gets. Boycott anyone? Since this website sponsors anti-attachment groups like Soho Parenting, maybe parents who believe in attachment should contact (attachment orientated) advertisers here and let them know they are wasting their money.
We are happy followers of attachment parenting. Nursing through the night–as little ones need both the nutrition and comfort–afforded me much more sleep and peace of mind than that received by the non-attached moms who lay awake listening to their baby scream, all alone, in another room or listening to electronic monitors and wondering if they should worry or not about SIDS as their baby was nowhere in sight. Carrying my baby leaves my hands free (for my older child) and my baby happy—when she’s not independently exploring. I second the suggestion that moms who are traumatized by trying to be attached either aren’t getting needed support or help at home (significant others and family members are often critical). Or they are misunderstanding what attached parenting is all about–or are the NYC moms I’ve seen and met who sadly expect life not to change after having a child. Those whose lives have centered around constant lunches out with the girls, visits to spas and hair dressers, spending most evenings out at soirees are surely not ready for mothering (baby is just a cute dress-it-up object who, much to their horror, wants them constantly–happens to be natural) and such moms seek to gain guilt-free support for their self-centered lifestyles by finding therapists who will offer them just that–sounds like you guys. And Nanny makes 3. Many attached parents find time for yoga, meditation, and self-care too like massages, whatever they need. Even babysitters. Dr. Sears doesn’t offer Kool-Aid, organic veggie juice perhaps. Sounds like your moms are craving the Long Island Ice teas and freedom from parenting which indeed is not what Dr. Sears is promoting. We will still read Pat the Bunny with great joy and hope grandma Dorothy didn’t let her kids cry-it-out alone while writing such loving books.
“Balance” is one of the “B’s” of Attachment Parenting, along with breastfeeding and babywearing. It’s key to accept help from others along the way so you can get a break, just as with any form of parenting.
In many ways, I have found that being responsive to my baby’s needs (versus “training him”) had made for an easy and joyful relationship for us, and that co-sleeping so that I could nurse him within arms’ reach meant I got more sleep than I would have if I put him in another room and had to get out of bed to go to him (or ignore my instincts and heart by ignoring HIS cries).
I am sure that Jean and Lisa have their hearts in the right place, but I have to say that I found this particular post a bit offensive. I would say that I am a “Sears-oriented” mother. I have tried to be responsive to my child, and I did not sleep train. I did what worked for us, and it did not suit me to hear my baby cry without responding. So, what I found offensive is the idea that by doing so, I am drinking “Kool-Aid”. Alluding to such a tragedy, and equating practicing attachment parenting to this is way over the top.
Of course, any one parenting style will not work for all families, or even all babies in a particular family. I am sure that Jean and Lisa know that. On the other hand, the mothers that come to see Jean and Lisa are self-selected because they are having problems — otherwise they wouldn’t be coming in for help, would they? So they hardly see a representative sample of all who follow Sears’s advice or believe in Attachment Parenting.
Oh, and my daughter has been no less independent , and I have been no more exhausted, than our friends who chose different parenting paths. So I respect that there are many valid ways of raising children. And I am glad that Jean and Lisa can help those mothers who haven’t found what works well for them yet. I also hope that they can agree that if it is working, there is no need to criticize.
Yes, the more parents who trust their instincts about caring for their children, the fewer who will need your detox program.
We live in a culture that does not care for or nurture children–and parents who do not get with the program and force independence on their babies are severely criticized. No wonder they feel guilty and depleted–there is very little practical support for any health attachment behaviors in our culture. So we blame Sears and these parents, and then tell them that they are crazy and are guilt-tripping other parents! It’s incredibly ironic. Who is pushing the Kool-Aid, really?
I think maybe those with “PTSD” might have miss-interpreted what Dr. Sears has to say. It is noted above in the article that the babies of these children are not independent and cannot play by themselves for more than two minutes. 90% of the babies of “Attachment parenting” that I know are MORE independent than non-AP babies, and seem to feel MORE comfortable leaving parents to explore the world around them.
I think looking at the possibility of miss-interpretation is important. Becoming OVER child centered can cause the problems complained about in the article. Practicing AP is very different than being completely child centered.
i’ll admit it, i too suffered from a little “Post-Traumatic Sears Disorder”. That guilt we new-mommies put on ourselves is pretty powerful stuff. I’m now much more confident in my own parenting style and hope that i will be able to avoid the “disorder” with my second go-around next fall.