Playdates that go badly- new babies, toddlers and dogs
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I read and am grateful for all the parenting listserves that I am on in Brooklyn. You can hear advice, ask questions and even buy and sell kids’ items. On one of the yahoo listserves, a parent asked about aggression in toddlers. As a mother of a young baby, she wanted to know if a toddler’s difficult behaviour that she had seen on a playdate was behaviour she was going to have to “look forward to” later in life. I remember when we had a similar bad playdate. Neighbors came over with their 2 year old who proceeded to jump on our couch, pat (no, hammer, our newborn’s head), stand on our coffee table, throw a box of legos on the floor and finally, collapse into what appeared to be a breakdancing position with flailing arms and legs. I never wanted him to come over again. It was hard to keep coming up with excuses to the parents as to why we couldn’t have a “playdate”. Flash forward one year: the boy as a 3 year old was sooo much calmer, could articulate his needs and in general, was a typical three year old. But back at that playdate, I could only think, “something is wrong with that kid”, or “they can’t control him”. I knew how the mom felt when she asked her question. When local mom Ruth responded to the mom’s question, she might just as well been speaking to me back then. I wish I had had her advice. (Just to fill you in on who Ruth is: she is a mom to two children, an adjunct at Bank St. College of Education in infant/toddler developmental assessment, a former pre-school teacher for 10 years and has 10 years clinical experience in a public hospital where she still helps to run an adolescent parent playgroup and a playgroup for children with special needs at the hospital. And, just to round out her incredibly busy life, she also started a preschool co-op.)
Here was the scenario on the listserve (some details have been changed to protect privacy): A 2.5 year old came over with her parents and new baby sister. The house she was visiting had a new baby too, and a small dog (not new). The 2.5 year old repeatedly pulled the dog’s tail, threw things at the dog and tried to step on him numerous times. Then she tried to step on one of the baby’s hands and feet a couple of times too.
Ruth’s thoughts: if a friend or colleague were to describe the event as you did, I would tell them that there may be a problem or not. When assessing infants and toddlers (usually a one shot deal over an hour or two) the key is always to ask the parent if what you are observing is typical of the child: if the answer is yes and you see disturbing behaviors then intervention is likely needed. If the answer is no, (that the behavior is due to lack) of sleep, illness, this is how they act with strangers, etc. then there may not be an issue.
The preschool teacher in me says that two babies, a dog, and a 2.5 year old don’t really make a good play group. Many 2.5 year olds have a healthy mistrust of babies, (they don’t listen, they knock things down, they mouth things that are important, they cry, they don’t recognize that the world should revolve around ME, etc.). When my 1st child was an infant crawling in LICH park I remember a toddler coming over and (what appeared to be intentionally) step on her fingers. I was appalled, but used my teacher voice to chide the child and redirect his attention elsewhere. When my daughter then turned 2, I saw her do the same thing to another infant! She only did it twice, and quickly learned to just steer clear of babies, but she had to experiment and also let the world know her opinion. Many parents say how quickly their children adapted to a new baby and think everything is great only to discover that when the baby moves, there is a whole new adjustment. It actually is easier for a 2 year old to ignore a lump of coal newborn than a baby in motion. Could this be a factor?
The mom in me also wants to address the fact that it is sad when you can’t get together with adults you like because you don’t enjoy their whole family experience. I am still in mourning! As my husband knows, anytime I leave an adult or child play date and I feel as if I am at work– I just don’t do it again. I would much rather see a friend 1x a year without kids than survive the pain and difficulty of a really really bad play date. This is a personal choice, but I find that it is too difficult to facilitate some child interactions. For example, I love the parents of a child that was in my daughter’s old daycare. Sadly, now at 5 years, the girls do not get along and are always tattling, and I spend the time in constant negotiation rather than enjoying my friend. It helps when both parents recognize the difficulty and are at peace with it. Gladly, this parent and I are in agreement and now only meet sans children.
Anyway, if this parent asks for help, by saying that she is worried about her son’s behavior then by all means support her in her decision to seek help. For now, keep the play dates short, simple, or do not have them. The 2s are much more challenging than infancy and you should be allowed to just enjoy your infant before coping with the next stage.
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