picture courtesy of: what my husband thinks of me
Melissa Chapman of Married My Sugar Daddy and Staten Island Family will be sharing a monthly column with us on the joys (and pitfalls) of married life…and how to navigate through those “not so happily ever after” moments we all have!
So our toilets have been on the fritz for about six months-my husband who needs to carefully and methodically first make a decision that a plumber is a necessity in such a delicate situation- assured me he could jimmy rig them so that they’d function. Of course said jimmy rigging included shoving towels under said toilet tanks, having to on every occasion pick up the lid of a toilet tank and pull the nozzle up so that the tank would fill up. But I acquiesced because I felt confident my husband would take care of it. I should’ve realized that my husband, being the ever cerebral fella he is- would painstakingly take his sweet time to research, analyze and pick over every last bit of minutiae concerning each potential plumber before he hired one to take on this *massive* job.
Clearly I am being facetious- but there is something just so FRUSTRATING about being with someone who works at a snail’s pace when you work at that of a hare’s. Finally feeling I could NO LONGER lift that GD FORSAKEN toilet tank cover, I finally just took the bull by the horns and did the UNTHINKABLE, I called a plumber. And sure enough said plumber arrived and those toilets we agonized over – or more aptly my husband hemmed and hawed over who to call to entrust their safety to-were fixed in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.
But here is where my problem comes in. So the plumber does his job- there’s LOTS o banging and then 20 minutes later a joyous noise can be heard- the sound of a flush… and no subsequent need to lift the toilet tank up. My husband comes home as the plumber is leaving and I tell him please clean up the bathroom, since the plumber- as all plumbers and workers do- left a filthy mess- bits and shards of metal littering the floor, a toilet seat covered in brown smudges and lots of rust peppered throughout. I would have done it myself, but alas I was already 20 minutes late to a meeting in Manhattan. So I entrusted this task to my husband.
Upon my return home I enter the bathroom and not a spec of dirt, nor shards of metal have been removed. I casually ask my husband what happened… why didn’t he clean the bathroom..to which he responds, “I don’t see any dirt”…Perhaps I am crazy??? Is it that men truly do not see the dirt, or do they just choose to ignore it. I also wonder if the plumber had been a woman, would she have left such a wreck of a mess behind her?
And yes I wonder how it is that I have managed to stay married to a man who has a completely different version of clean than I do and I wonder is this what those 26 year marriages break up over? Is it all these seemingly small and insignificant things which pile up year after year until they are a massive heap which covers everything and make it impossible to coexist in the same place?
BURNING questions people….but the real question is how can spouses prevent these feelings from helping them maintain a happy marriage. What can we do to move beyond being upset, angry, annoyed, vengeful because of something your spouse does (or doesn’t do)? Here are four things you can do RIGHT NOW ( or the next time you feel like whacking your spouse over the head with a frying pan).
#1 TAKE a breath. Walk out of the room, gather your thoughts and remember to choose your words carefully. Your words are weapons and once they are out there it is REALLY hard to take them back.
#2 CHOOSE your battles. THINK if this is an argument that will still hold weight ten years from now. It’s hard to think about the big picture in the heat of small moments but it’s important that you do just that when you feel compelled to start hurling expletives at your spouse. If this is a problem that is not going to impact the foundation of your marriage then you might want to reconsider how you approach it.
#3 LISTEN. Say your piece and then really listen to your spouse’s response. Don’t be sarcastic or apathetic.
#4 TALK. Don’t yell, don’t engage in a silent treatment. Just like you tell your four year old- USE YOUR WORDS.
So, do you have any tips to add?
Melissa Chapman blogs about her marriage and everything in between at Married my sugar daddy and The Staten Island Family. Her work has appeared in Lifetime Moms, The Staten Island Advance, ABC News, BlogHer, Momtourage, Babble, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Time Out NY Kids & iVillage.