The OFNR Approach
Some days I feel like I should get an “F” in communication. It just happens: my tone is off, my words terse, my impatience too obvious and I’m totally unaware that I am doing it- until, that is, when it’s over…and I wish I could just suck every utterance back in my throat. I guilt myself the most when my communication is off with my children. I want to do better, I have to do better by them.
When I came across the site, Brooklyn Center for Nonviolent Communication and their instructions on “learn how to communicate in a nonviolent manner” with your kids, I was taken aback, thinking “I don’t communicate in a violent way”. But, I do know that I have huffed, puffed and yelled when my kids have gotten the best of me and I know that’s not nonviolent communication with kids. Big gulp.
What exactly is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
NVC is “based on the principles of nonviolence– the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart.”
NVC begins by assuming that we are all compassionate and that violent strategies—whether verbal or physical—are learned behaviors taught and supported by society. NVC also assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs and that what we do and say is motivated by the need to satisfy those needs.
I agree with those concepts, but what does this mean in real life? Here is what I learned.
When you communicate using a vocabulary that is free of judgment, you are speaking to someone in a compassionate way. No one likes judgment and everyone loves compassion, right? In other words, you are merely expressing yourself and not telling anyone else how they feel or what they should be doing. It’s a method that NVCers (my term) apply to parenting, relationships, employment and everyday life.
Of course, parents are interested in how the method of NVC could be applied to parenting. Does this really work for kids?
The group assures us that it does work. Sure, her techniques had been tried on taxi drivers, judges and friends (based on her testimonials), but kids weren’t as rational as grown adults.
First, analyze ways to express yourself. This goes back to the idea of communicating in way that is free of judgment and full of compassion.
So, for instance, you might start with an observation that is free of judgment, like “I see that you are having fun playing.”
Observation (there is not judgment)
Saying what you seeing, hearing, remembering, imagining. It is free of judgment or evaluation.
“When I….”
“I hear that…”
Or you might start with a feeling that is free of judgment. Like, “I feel frazzled!”
Feeling (there is not judgment)
Expressing what you are feeling.
“I feel….”
Then you might express your need like, “I need peace, or love or happiness.”
Needs (there is no strategy, just honesty)
Expressing with honest need.
“I need….”
Then you could express a request to help meet your need, like “Would you be willing to help me set the table? “
Requests (Free of demand. Have to be willing to hear “no”.)
Expressing what you are looking for
“Would you be willing….”
“What do you think….”
It seems like a lot to remember in the heat of a parenting moment, right? Hold on- it gets easier, I promise.
They supply a list of vocabulary words that one could use that were free of judgment, but expressed authentic feelings. The list below is just a partial list.
Here are some of the words that might express your Feelings using nonviolent communication:
Excited
Amazed
Motivated
Delighted
Appreciative
Thankful
Touched
Encouraged
Amused
Glad
Happy
Tickled
Energized
Restored
Content
Relieved
Centered
Here are some of the words that might express your Needs:
Cooperation
Consideration
Respect
Support
Ease
Harmony
Order
Rest/Sleep
Contribution
Participation
Space
Here are some words for feelings when your Needs aren’t met:
Baffled
Dismayed
Exasperated
Frustrated
Irked
Surprised
Ashamed
Exhausted
Tired
Hurt
Frazzled
Cranky
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Stressed out
My favorite part of this section was finding the words to help me express when my needs aren’t met: frazzled, nervous, cranky, irked, exasperated- they all capture the bad vibes I feel when a parenting moment has spun out of control.
Okay, now to the fun stuff. Some concrete examples.
Who hasn’t had a hard time at least once in the morning? We are rushed, on a schedule and eager to get going.
Here’s the first example: I say to my daughter, “it’s time for you to get dressed. We have to be ready for breakfast shortly.” However, when I pop my head in her room 15 minutes later, she is still in his underwear. We use ofnr approach parenting steps:
First, I start with an Observation. “I see you are still in your underwear.” (No judgment. This statement is just what a camcorder would record. I’m observing in a neutral way.)
Then I express my Feeling: “I am frustrated too.”
Then I say my Need. “I need support in the morning so we can get to school on time. ”
Then I ask for my Request. “Could you help me in the morning by getting dressed as soon as I ask you to?”
If she started to cry or whine, I could go back through the steps again.
Observation: “I see you are crying. Are you feeling frustrated (or: overwhelmed, cranky, tired)?” (Note: asking his feeling, not telling him how he feels)
Feeling: “I’m concerned about you and anxious about us getting to school on time.”
Need: “I’m really needing some harmony here.”
Request: “I wonder if you are willing to help us get out the door on time? I could really use your support in doing that.”
It feels a bit stiff, right? There is no question that it feels like a different language. It is a whole different way of communicating for me. I practiced what I began to call the OFNR (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request and pronounced as Oftener) on my husband (with his knowledge of course!) for 2 weeks before feeling confident to try it out with our kids.
Here is what worked:
1st attempt:
Scenario: We were in the living room and my daughter (almost 4 years old), didn’t want to stop playing and was whining/crying about it. I was cooking. I needed her to come to dinner.
What I said: “I see that you are having a great time playing legos (Observation), but I am concerned that if you don’t start cleaning up now (Feeling), we won’t have dinner on time. I need your help. (Need). Could you support me in getting dinner ready on time please? (Request).
Result: She stopped crying, asked me what I meant by support and then actually stopped playing and came right to the table. (My reaction: holy cow!)
2nd attempt:
Scenario: Both children (almost 4 and 2+ years old) were fighting over a pair of goggles and the fighting had escalated to the point where I was sure they were both going to fly backwards into the walls with one snap from their collective pull on the elastic band.
What I said: “I see you both really want those goggles. (Observation.) I need harmony. (Need). Can you please help me by each of you finding another toy to play with?” (Request) Note that I skipped the feeling here which could have been “I am anxious that you all are going to hurt yourselves.”
Result: The older one stopped pulling and asked me what harmony was. When I explained it to her, she gave the goggles up and the younger one snatched it of course.
3rd attempt:
Scenario: My daughter didn’t want to stop watching her cartoons on Saturday morning. We needed to get ready to go on a family outing. I brought all her clothes to her and asked her to get dressed.
What I said: “I can see you are enjoying the cartoons (observation), but I need you to get dressed. (need). I’m concerned (feeling) we will be late. I need to get myself dressed too.” Note that I made a mistake here and did Need before Feeling. It’s hard to keep the order straight. But, as I have found out, it doesn’t really matter.
Result: She got dressed without hesitation. She did look at me a little bizarrely but she did it. What was different for us in this method: I told her that I not only needed her to do something to help get to our location on time, but that I needed to do it too. We were both going to be behind if we didn’t get dressed and out the door in time. We were dependent on each other.
What this means for me now:
The NVC method seems to work 80 +% of the time when I remember to use it. A lot of times I forget or the situation has escalated so that I’m not able to have a calm space to be heard or be in a relaxed space myself to use it. I like the idea of NVC and in particular, how it has helped me in adult conversations that I felt could have gotten confrontational. I don’t believe that this method can work all the time with kids, just like any parenting philosophy. However, it’s a great tool in your toolbox and I know I feel better when I do remember to use it.
What I truly like about it:
-it is teaching my kids how to express their feelings better
-my kids are learning new vocabulary words (nervous, dismayed, harmony)
– we are learning as a family how to tell people very directly what we need and to ask for help in filling that need.
– it is teaching my kids that I need their help. They are collaborators in making our lives work.
– it is helping them to listen to me and see that I have needs and hopes as well.
For those reasons alone, I think it’s a valuable tool. It does take time to get acquainted with “the talk”, but I made an acronym to help me which I mentioned earlier.
O F N R – Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.
I say it out loud to myself as “Oftener”, meaning try to use this communication method more often!
The vocabulary and methods are from www.cnvc.org. ©2005 Center for Nonviolent Communication