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When Your Neighbor Has a Child with A Disability

Who doesn’t want their child to have friends……..to be popular, well liked, respected, invited to parties and play dates?  Now put your feet into the shoes of a parent caring for a child with a disability.  That neighbor, that friend, that community member has all the same wishes and dreams for their child whose daily challenges often make socialization and friendship difficult and scary. Gary Shulman, MS. Ed., a Brooklyn based Special Needs Consultant and Trainer, has shared with us simple ways we can be more supportive and aware!

Photo: Childs Support Tools

 

How can you support your neighbor who has a child in need of friends?  Just remember the simple things you were probably taught by your parents and your best teachers:

  1. Be polite and offer a warm and friendly hand.  Chances are it will be grabbed with grateful delight
  2. Learn appropriate terminology: Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can devastate me.  If you have a question about your neighbor’s child with a disability pertaining to that disability, it is kind and respectful to not use the disability to define who that child is.  That child is not his/her disability.  The disability is part of who that child is but so is: a love of music, enjoying swimming, loving to be hugged, laughing at funny faces and much, much more.
  3. Try to avoid stereotyping based upon preconceived notions pertaining to characters traits that have been attached to certain disabilities.  Always look for the abilities, skills, interests, talents and passions first!

Example: Oh I see you have a Downs child!  They are so cute and loving all the time!!!

Yikes!!: Always acknowledge the individual child first.  You wouldn’t want your child to be referred to as “Well there’s that red head kid, they are always so freckled and temperamental!” Of course not.

Better: Hello, I am your neighbor Mrs. Jones.  I have a little boy also.  How old is your son?  What’s his name.  What does he enjoy?  My son also loves to play in the water!  I have a small rubber pool, how about setting up a play date?  Pardon me for asking, but I notice that your son has Down Syndrome.  May I ask you a few questions so I can learn a bit about how that affects him.  I appreciate your educating me about this.   I would love my son and yours to become friends-it seems that they have a lot in common.

How else can you support your neighbor who has a child with a disability?

  1. Be a good friend.  A good friend listens, is compassionate, offers information that helps, understands that there will be good and bad days, doesn’t constantly judge and asks how he/she can offer help when it is needed.
  2. Understand that the life of caring for a child with a disability can be very exhausting.  Think of how exhausting it is raising your child without special needs!  Offering respite in the form of a play date will be so appreciated.
  3. A second ear: Your neighbor will have to go to so many appointments pertaining to meeting the needs of her child with a disability.  Ask if she would like you to accompany her.  It can be very helpful to have a second objective ear to listen to what is being said.  Depending on the nature of what is being discussed, you may or may not be able to listen to everything, but just being there can be so comforting.
  4. If you have the time, do some research about programs and services for your friend if she is too over-whelmed to do it herself.  Always ask first.  Sometimes parents don’t want to be bombarded with information until they ask for it or are ready for it.

Bottom line: A friend is a friend is a friend.  You will find more in common with your neighbor who has a child with a disability than differences.  Compassion, understanding, laughter, sharing time, and support are all the ingredients for establishing a warm and caring relationship with your neighbor who has a child with special needs.  It’s the right thing to do and all benefit!

gary shulmanGary Shulman, MS. Ed. was the Program Director of Social Services, Training Coordinator and Special Camp Fair Coordinator for Resources for Children with Special Needs, Inc. for over 24 years.  He recently transitioned from that position to the role of consultant/trainer on a private basis. Prior to RCSN, Mr. Shulman was the Special Needs Coordinator for the Brooklyn Children’s Museum for 10 years, a multi-sensory interactive learning environment.  He began his career working with children with and without disabilities as a Head Start teacher for 5 years.  Gary Shulman’s passion is bringing relief to families of children with disabilities as well as to the professionals who support them.  His workshops are informational and inspirational.  Through an interactive format, participants are taken on a journey of discovery.  They will learn about all the various programs and services that make life easier when caring for a child with a disability and be motivated to think about their needs, wants, wishes and dreams and how to move toward the realization of those dreams and wishes.