My dad had a massive heart attack. It was sudden, scary and we live hundreds of miles away from my parents. After countless complications and surgeries, he is finally in a rehabilitation center over three months later. He is going to survive and with the help of specialists and home care might make a pretty full recovery (minus the toes they had to amputate). This has obviously been a very difficult and frustrating few months for my dad, but even more so for my mom, now filling the role of wife with caretaker.
Being so far away I’ve felt helpless. I am trying to support my mom and help her make decisions about his care, their life and the future. And my daughter who is almost four has had a lot of questions. She asks for her Papa every time we Skype with my mom, her Nana, and telling her he is sick just seems to scare her. I don’t have the right words for her. They call this position the sandwich generation but I didn’t think I was old enough to be included. While the possibility of taking my parents in is not a feasible option, I am left in the precarious position of trying to support my parents and focusing on my family’s well-being.
Guilt plays into this heavily. I feel I am never adequately supporting either since this catastrophe occurred. And there is no simple solution to make things easier.
But, here are some pieces of advice I’ve learned over this difficult time that might help any of you going through an illness or tragedy:
1. Keep up to date with medical decisions and changes in health status. I was able to call my father’s doctors and get updates since in the beginning there was too much information for my mom to relay everything to us.
2. Stay in constant contact. My mom needs the emotional support as the caretaker even more than my father as the patient.
3. Enlist family and friends for visits. Being so far away, this was very key and it helped my dad’s morale and took some pressure off my mom.
4. Hire someone to help with errands, driving, deliveries. My father’s care includes travel to and from the doctor’s as well as home aid. But if this isn’t an option for your parents’ insurance hire someone to help. I was able to find a neighbor’s son to call upon for the occasional task like moving furniture, which gave me piece of mind.
5. Get them connected. Make sure they have a cell phone and computer for communication, Skype, etc.
6. Have an emergency plan.
This trauma has only confirmed what I already know: Life is short and family is precious! While dealing with a situation like this is stressful and difficult, I try to keep in mind how love, support, and a positive attitude can pull you through.