Unfortunately, I can relate to this! Sharon Peters from Parents Helping Parents has some advice for us on how to handle sibling fighting to make your home more harmonious.
Overwhelmed moms or dads who are surrounded by the stress of sibling tension can find it hard to remember that brothers and sisters benefit from their loving and important connection. Such a deep relationship unfortunately also means that almost every personal annoyance, frustration or disappointment that a child experiences is often shared with his or her sibling, usually in less than ideal ways.
Sibling fights can be one of the most challenging family conundrums but here are some ideas that can help.
Make an effort to spend regular time alone with each child. Most siblings feel that one or both parents treat them unfairly, even when that’s far from the case. One on one time can give parent and child time to strengthen their individual relationship in important ways and can counteract the “you don’t love me as much” feelings.
Help each of your children develop rewarding social lives and confidence building activities that are separate from their siblings. Children often fight when they are lacking confidence. Setting up individual activities that help develop independent social relationships and build upon each child’s interests and strengths can make a big difference.
Arrange physically energizing family activities that give the siblings a chance to be on the “same team” against a common “foe,” their mom and dad. Physical games usually move everyone out of the house (often helpful) and can help reduce pent up emotional pressures. Playing a variety of outdoor sports where siblings can work together to “beat” their parents can give children a chance to be successful working and strategizing together rather than frustrated and angry at each other.
Unfortunately when brothers and sisters fight, a simple “stop that” from mom or dad usually doesn’t do much for very long. It can certainly help to separate children until they calm down but ultimately it often takes parental patience, time and the suggestion of an engaging activity for one or both children to sort things through. I have told parents of more than one child that parenting siblings is a little like running a small after school program. To succeed you need to have an array of ideas at your disposal.
It can also help to remember that siblings who fight when they are young often are good friends as soon as their independent lives are on track and they begin feeling more confident, responsible and able to share their frustrations and upsets with others.
______________
Sharon C. Peters is the founder and director of Parents Helping Parents in Park Slope. Parents Helping Parents offers practical solutions to parents and parents and children through individual appointments arranged on an as needed basis. Topical workshops and ongoing groups also provide participants with opportunities to share their personal experiences and hear helpful perspectives. Sharon’s work is also published regularly in Brooklyn Family Magazine, blogs and at www.phponline.org.
She has an MA in Educational Psychology from Teachers College, Columbia University and since 1995 has met with hundreds of individual families and led workshops for many schools and community organizations. As a step, birth, adoptive, married and single mother, Sharon has parented five children, several coping with special needs.