This holiday has been vastly different from all the rest for us. Our children lost their grandma (my husband’s mom) a few days before Thanksgiving. This is the first time I’ve had to have a death talk with my children. I have to say it wasn’t easy and it broke my heart to even say the words. I didn’t know how to approach it. My son, who is 2, wasn’t my main concern as nothing has really registered with him through this. My daughter, who is 4 1/2, is a completely different story. My grandma dying when I was 5 remains a very vivid memory. Fortunately, no traumatic memories stayed with me.
Before we left town, we sat my daughter down to have the talk. We decided to approach it straight on. We told her that grandma died and that we won’t see her again. We said what remains is all the love she felt for her and she felt for all of us, that she could think about her and talk about her whenever she wishes, and that she will always live on in our hearts. Her first question was “Did it hurt grandma when she died?”. Here was when my husband and I almost lost it. She then asked if she could think about grandma when she was by herself. Oh my gosh, these were my hardest mommy moments thus far. We told her she can feel any feelings she wants about this and that we would love if she wants to talk to us about it anytime, about anything.
So far she seems to be taking the news in stride. She has been talking about her with her grandpa and is aware that grandma isn’t here any longer. But, the funeral is this week and there is a viewing prior to the service. The big question is, do I have her there for all of this? Some things I’ve read have said it is good for closure so she understands this is permanent. Others have said she is too young and it will just frighten her. I’m torn. While I want her to be there with us and be able to say goodbye, I certainly don’t want her to be negatively affected. There are so many difficult things about life that she will learn soon enough, so my first instinct is to shelter her, at her age, from this. But on the other hand, this is life…this is our reality.
I would love to hear from any of you, your stories on how you handled a death in your family with your young children. And I hope you are all enjoying the Thanksgiving weekend snuggled close with your families!