We will dispense with the pleasantries immediately. Baby showers are the worst. I’m not going to pretend, or lie to you. They are not a party, they are a forced march, with all the festive energy of a staff meeting with snacks. Since I am about to host a baby shower (this will be my third time, because apparently the universe felt I didn’t learn anything for the first two), I’ve decided I need to figure out what makes showers so awful, to attempt the impossible: to throw a fun baby shower.
First, there is never enough food, as if the food should reflect some dainty, feminine quality. Teas and brunches lend themselves to this “feminizing.” I have the power to decimate any buffet I come in contact with, and I need to be able to do so (read: eat my feelings) when confronted with a large crowd of people I do not know (this is why I should never have quit smoking. Cigarettes are the introvert’s best friend). The aforementioned group of unknowns is due to the “worlds colliding” effect. A shower mixes friends and family like few events can. But unlike your wedding, people do not have license to “get loose” (again, this is the problem with the tea/brunch scenario). Then the worse gets bad with the opening of gifts. Nothing is more painful than watching someone open gifts. And because your gift is on display, you feel obligated to give something big with lots of wow factor (or in this case awwww factor). Of course, if you are the one opening the gifts, then it is the ultimate anxiety/acting challenge. At least if the gifts are being opened, you have almost made it to the end, unless…they play games. This is when you officially have my permission to become “that cranky friend who got wasted at the baby shower.”
So my solution to all this negativity is this: Just throw a party, not a shower, for this friend that you love and her wonderful, lucky unborn baby. Make it a cocktail party with heavy hors d’oeuvres, you can still have girly champagne cocktails and plenty of sweets to keep it feeling “showery.” Instead of opening gifts, turn it into a ladies-only dance party, but one that will end around 9 or 10. Then all the family (read: old ladies) and the mama-to-be are in bed early. If you want to be really revolutionary, scrap traditional gifts all together for something even more useful: time and money. Go for nontraditional gift certificates to places like Fresh Direct or Diapers.com for all the supplies they need. Or go for an investment in childcare by pitching in for a night nurse or a nanny or (my personal favorite) a house cleaner. Or set up a meal registry, already fill-in by friends volunteering to drop off homemade meals during those early weeks. Still feel like you need to give them Stuff? Why not just have a hand-me-down extravaganza. Wash your well-wore goodies, pack them in tissue and old gift boxes (or not) and give them with your gift certificates. You can even bill it as a Green Shower, or maybe an Eco Baby Mama Disco.