Every week (or so) Alice Kaltman, LCSW, founder of Family Matters NY shares a quick tidbit related to parenting and family life. We know you’re pressed for time, so here is a nugget of simple, and hopefully helpful advice (or reassurance!).
Kids equal chaos. Family life can be as frustrating as rush hour on the BQE. Parenting often feels like cat herding. Feral cat herding, in fact. It comes as no surprise that many parents find solace in a neat and organized home. Ah, the sweet and simple joy of bills paid, the sense of satisfaction when phone calls are returned, the victory of dishes done and laundry folded.
Maintaining a neat and tidy home may help parents feel less crazy while toddler insanity reigns or diapers keep filling. But if it means you check out emotionally to keep that level of order, you might be forfeiting important opportunities to engage with your children.
I’m not advocating a total moratorium on cleanliness and order. I’m suggesting that before you clean the kitchen, or go online, or check those text messages, please spare a few moments and be present for your kids. Join them in their sloppy joy. Kids learn from letting things go wild. If your inner neatnik gets anxious, remind yourself you can restore order later. Get your feral cats to help clean up after there’s been some connected playtime. They might be a bit more compliant if they’ve felt your attention.
When older kids withdraw to their rooms, when they choose computer games, Facebook, or real live friends over hanging out with you, it might seem okay, even downright logical to use that time for your own orderly concerns. But I caution you: Don’t fall too far down that rabbit hole. Make sure you demand some time with older kids, even if it is only a brief check in before everyone departs for their separate spheres. Even if you’d rather be returning phone calls or stacking plates. Make it known to those semi-resistant older kids that you value them, that you find them interesting. Tell them you want juicy details, even if they’re hesitant to give them to you. Even if it makes them cringe.
True, many parents have little time to play. Work concerns, extended family needs, other personal constraints. But even ten minutes of focus and engagement with kids of all ages goes a long way. All parents have a choice; be part of your children’s development, or be outside it, disengaged, just cleaning up the detritus.
Alice Kaltman, L.C.S.W. has been working with parents and kids since 1988. In 2006, she co-founded Family Matters NY, a parenting coaching service for Brooklyn and Manhattan families, providing support through workshops, referrals, and private sessions. Alice lives in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn with her daughter and husband. Aside from her articles for ACGIB, Alice’s thoughts on parenting can be found at Babble.com and on the Family Matters NY website. She also writes novels for kids and short stories for adults. You can follow her on Twitter @AliceKaltman or write to her at info@familymattersny.com