I freely admit that I am a reactionary. If everyone likes it, I don’t. There are lots of reasons for this that are best left to the professionals in my life. But as I watch the much talked about Similac ad that depicts different groups of moms (and one group of dads) throwing down on the playground over their different parenting styles, I seem to have the opposite of everyone else’s reaction. The ad is creative and funny and twangs your heartstrings but good by the end. But it is still an ad designed to sell us a product. And like any commercial worth it’s focus group testing, it reveals our insecurities and plays off of them. How guilty do we feel about our behavior toward other parents? Or about our lack of focus on our kids?
I know we are all guilty of judging other parents occasionally (or not so occasionally). But something about this ad makes me feel like it was made by someone who doesn’t have kids. I feel like the proverbial mommy wars are just another veiled way our culture tries to pit women against each other. I’m not convinced that mothers are any more or less judgmental of each other than women or men are who don’t have kids. Sadly, judgment is just part of our basest human nature. Do parents have it bad in terms of being judged by each other and our culture at large? Sure. So do single women, divorced men, people in the military, lawyers, and teachers. Each are heroes or villains. Single women or divorced men are either selective or defective, depending on who you ask.
I’m not denying there is some truth to the conflict between different groups representing different parenting styles. There is a lot of vitriol out there if you’re looking for it. But that same ugliness exists around sexuality or immigration. I think because this so-called war is one “fought” by women, it can be demeaned. When anyone, besides my daughter, who refers to me as “Mommy” I’m pretty sure they are using it in a derogatory fashion, whether they mean to or not. What could be a powerful debate about child rearing between intelligent women (and men) is instead fodder for late night comedy and advertisements and click bait.
Once you have a kid, most of us know that there is no right or wrong way to do things. Sure breast milk might be a scientifically better food source then formula, but if your kid won’t nurse, if your nipples are bleeding for weeks and the pain is worse than labor, then the benefits of formula far out weigh those of breast milk. And yes, it would be lovely if we were all able to stay home and raise our kids, but the majority of people in this world don’t have that option financially. And even if they do, there is nothing wrong with wanting to preserve a part of your identity that you’ve worked hard for years to establish. The bottom line is always, if you are happy and emotionally well adjusted, your kid will be too.
Yes, this ad is trying to say that we are all parents in the end, and the only thing that matters are our kids. But I have a bit of an objection to the portrayal of these mommy factions. I know it’s a joke and it’s funny, I get that, but let’s not mince words, the mommy wars are bullshit. Our success as parents isn’t based on our choice of feeding mechanism or diapering method, but on our ability to be kind, understanding and responsible parents. By depicting these mommy gangs they are saying these groups exist, when in fact they don’t. The lines between these factions are so blurred that they may only exist in the comment sections of parenting blogs where sleep deprived parents feel they have license to vent their frustrations with parenting in general, channeling their rage onto the unsuspecting. Maybe it’s that people need to feel like they know what they’re talking about in order to face the terror of raising kids when the truth is this: none of us know what the frog we’re doing.
Sarah Moriarty is a writer and editor. Sarah’s writing has appeared in such hallowed places as her blog, her mother’s email inbox, the backs of Value Pack envelopes, and a waist-high stack of mole skin journals. In addition, Sarah has contributed to F’Dinparkslope.com, WhattoExpect.com, edited fiction for Lost Magazine, and her first novel, The Rusticators is forthcoming from Islandport Press in spring 2016. A resident of Brooklyn for the last eleven years, Sarah lives with her husband, daughter and a dwindling population of cats. Check out more of Sarah’s work at sarahmoriarty.com.