Contributor Abby King gives us important and honest (and often not talked about) insight into living through divorce and coming out the other side.
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We’ve all read “What to expect when you’re expecting” and realized it does not tell you anything you really need to know. Through friends, I have had the privilege of talking to some going through divorce and now I’m sharing just a sampling of the advice I’ve passed along.
Kids will keep asking why you got divorced
Decide what you want to say to your kids and stick to it. They will ask at unexpected times in new and interesting ways. They’ll ask one night when they don’t know that you’re really pissed at your ex, this is not the time to vent and spill all. Keep it simple and keep yourself together. Know what your stance and stay the course.
People say stupid sh*t
Before I had kids I would ask my sister in law if we really needed to go to dinner at 5:00PM with her 1 year old. Cant we just keep him up later and then he will sleep later in the morning? We all know the answer to that now, but until you have kids, you don’t. Until you go through something, you just don’t know. People tell me all the time how lucky I am not to need a Saturday night babysitter (when my kids are with my ex). Amazing, they hit the nail on the head. I got divorced, broke up my life and family, but I’m so lucky because I don’t have to deal with finding a sitter. Really? People don’t mean to be insensitive, they just don’t know because they haven’t lived it. Give them a break; especially in this case because it is a nice perk of a sucky situation.
Beware of movies
Remember how funny Mrs. Doubtfire was? I love watching classics with my kids and while I knew the plot includes divorce, I remembered it was used as the setup for laughs. Watching it twenty years later with my young kids, who not so long ago went through divorce, I realized it is much more than a plot device. It was an integral part of the movie and a heartbreaking look at how divorce can play out. With a shit load of laughs. My kids enjoyed the movie but had some questions and we hit pause several times: “did you and daddy have to go to court to get divorced? Why would a parent not be able to have time with his kids? Why would a parent take the kids away and not stick up for the other parent?” Luckily we had an “amicable” divorce as far as the legalities and I was able to answer these questions very simply. I would advise those going through a difficult divorce to steer clear of this one.
While I got myself into “Mrs. Doubtfire,” I was thrust unknowingly into this teachable movie moment. My daughter is a penguin fanatic and was thrilled when someone got her “Mr. Poppers Penguins” for her birthday. We promptly popped in the movie and watched. I had no idea the back story of the movie revolved around a divorced couple who in the span of an hour and a half and decided to go on one date, the mom ditched her fiancé and then got back together with her ex. I swiftly told my kids it’s just a movie and then looked it up on common sense media. Yup, in the comments section was a warning for divorced parents.
“Common Sense” an unknown movie or TV show before you turn it on (they also had a too late for me but spot on warning for “Mrs. Doubtfire”).
You will be put in the position of defending your ex’s girlfriend
It will happen. It doesn’t matter how fun she is, that she let’s your kids do what they want, doesn’t nag them to clean their rooms, wipe down the table or put their clothes in the laundry and that she gives them sugar cereal for breakfast. They will get annoyed or mad at her and tell you all about it. You can do a silent “woo-hoo” in your head but then you will need to put your game face on and defend her. Show solidarity with the other adults taking care of your children (then go call your girlfriend and gloat).
There is no privacy
You are divorced. You no longer need or want to know the details of your ex’s life and would rather keep your life confined to your home as well. Too bad. The sign of a “good divorce” is that kids feel comfortable sharing freely with both parents. You loose your right to privacy so beware, anything that happens in your home that your kids see or hear, your ex will know about it.
Your kids will ask your new boyfriend whatever they want
Friends and family know better than to ask your new boyfriend if you will get married and have a baby. Your kids however hold no such boundaries. They consider themselves the center of your universe and have no reservations in confronting the new interloper. I hope your new man has a sense of humor like mine.
You need an ICE
It didn’t occur to me until I was in the hospital, going into surgery that I need a new “ICE” (In Case Of Emergency). Already anxious about surgery, I was quickly in tears when the clinician went over my paperwork to see if anything needed updating. The unexpected knife of divorce can pop up at any time. Think about it and when it comes time to update your records, you will already know what you want to do.
Dating and sex are fun
Post divorce, dating and sex are a horrifying thought. In reality, after the first time, both are fun. After being with the same person for an extended period of time, we forget what its like to talk to someone new, kiss someone new, have sex with someone new. A new guy will bring their own bag of tricks to the table. Say yes, explore and enjoy it. Even a bad date can be amusing and turn into a good new friend who has other friends to set you up with. You never know when someone will come along who makes you want to stop playing around. Take advantage of this time while you have it. You might not have asked for it, but that’s no reason not to live a little.
You’re stuck with your ex
If you have kids together, you are stuck together indefinitely. No one wants to be arguing about attending a grandson’s birthday party in 30 years. Moving past the ugly shit that went down in your marriage can be near impossible at times. If it is, get help. I now go to 2/month counseling with my ex. I often imagine a colonoscopy 2/month would be more enjoyable than our therapy sessions. They are maddening, emotional, sad and just a pain in the ass. But, it’s helping. Do what you’ve gotta do, you may have divorced but you’re still stuck with him.
Abby King is a writer, aspiring yogi and flywheel addicted single mom of two. In her spare time she bakes and pretends it’s for her kids. Find her at Yoga Class or on The Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/abby-king/.