We are very excited to share this post, originally published on Dinosaurs are NOT Food, a new blog penned by Ginger Bakos, our resident Meal Planner & Food Budget Expert, who has been chronicling the transformation of her household into a family that eats real food (we promise it’s possible!). Her most recent post, republished here, gets to the heart of the all-too-common dinner table battles.
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I have a feeling about “battles with” and “wars on” things. In my heart, I believe that any time you fight something, you actually drive it deep into its place. And the more negative your feelings toward a thing, the more likely it is to stay the same.
And so it goes with getting your kids to eat. A friend and I were talking recently about how my kids eat and she said, “I could never be that rigid.” Luckily, another friend was there at the time, and she laughed. “Ginger is anything but rigid.” And it’s true. People confuse being firm with being strict. I grew up in a very strict household and it was not a particularly joyful upbringing, and if anything, I often go too far the opposite direction.
But setting up boundaries is not the same as rigidity. It’s the difference between saying “Eat your carrots up, and I’ll bring out the blueberries” and saying, “If you don’t eat all your carrots, you aren’t getting any blueberries.” When I’m looking at a plate full of food in front of my little, I often realize that I’ve put way too much out. It’s hard to remember that their stomachs are super small and what looks like hardly anything to an adult or bigger kid is actually a whole lot of food to a little. At that point, I’m just ensuring that they’ve eaten in a balanced way and eaten some of everything on their plate. Then I bring out the blueberries (or sometimes chocolate cake).
And if my little says he’s full?
I take him at his word. I will just reiterate that we have blueberries or treat for when he finishes up (though that doesn’t mean “clean plate club”), and if he still isn’t interested, I let it be. If it’s dinner or weekend lunch, he has to sit at the table and keep us company, but he isn’t required to continue to eat. Sometimes, just sitting there will inspire him to eat. Sometimes, his big brother getting blueberry applesauce will inspire him to eat his sweet potatoes. Sometimes, he’s full. But that doesn’t mean I’m not firm.
If he’s eaten a fair bit of everything on his plate, I will often ask him to eat a bite more of each thing, and he usually obliges. If not, I’ll ask if he wants fruit or dessert, and he usually answers honestly. If he hasn’t eaten anything, the rule is still that he has to sit at the table and no playing with our food. I still stick with “Eat up your dinner, and I’ll bring out the fruit/dessert.”
Today was NOT my little’s best day. We had a tough one, and it was a tantrum sort of day-alright, it was a mortally wounded pterodactyl kind of day. I’ll be frank, he’s been crotchety since Sunday when the clocks changed. Not surprisingly, so have I! So when it came to refusing to eat dinner, I was not particularly surprised. My husband and I both kept our cool, and carried on. Funny enough, it was a dinner that both my hubby and eldest absolutely loved, so there was a lot of conversation about the food. Little just wasn’t interested.
Tonight was a treat night (cookies with chocolate icing-we usually do fruit of some kind for dessert). And I was feeling bummed because I had actually chosen that treat for little because he’d had such a rough day! I stuck to my guns, though, and so did my husband. Gently guiding him to eat, but not making a big case out of it. Lo and behold, once the cookies were iced, little suddenly got REAL interested in his dinner. I didn’t even have to bargain. He knew he wanted that cookie. So he ate a fair bit of chicken and sweet potatoes and he ate a bit of rice (it was a new very green cilantro rice, so some was a win), and said very kindly, “May I have a cookie now?” When I came back with, “Please, eat a bit more chicken and sweet potatoes.” He did just that. But there wasn’t a lot of negotiating or jostling leading up to it.
Now… had I made dinner a battle? Had I made eating that chicken and sweet potatoes a MUST? It would’ve never happened. Not on a good day, and definitely not on a day when little was cranky and grumpy with a side of stabby.
So don’t confuse being gentle and firm with being rigid or strict. They aren’t the same at all. And truth is that you know this in your heart, and it’s really at the heart of all good parenting. For some reason, we have let it go when it comes to guiding kids to eat well.
Another way I can give perspective is this: You may not pick out your kiddo’s clothes (that’s a discussion for another day!), but you are definitely not going to let littles go outside in a swimsuit when it’s 20 degrees out, even if she really has picked the cutest hat and sunglasses to complete the ensemble. The only way to tackle it is to be gentle but firm. To help her understand why this choice is not a choice that will serve her or her health the best that day. It should be the same when they demand foods that will not serve them or their health the best now or in their future. We guide. Gentle but firm. Our littles look to us to shape their world, and giving them the gift of eating well and having a healthy relationship with food is a huge part of that. If you refocus and see it that way, you won’t feel rigid or uncaring or like you are imposing rules upon them. Instead, you are setting the same sorts of boundaries that you do everyday in their little worlds, so that they grow up as happy healthy adults.
Ginger Bakos is a Meal Planning and Food Budget Wizard who writes the blog Dinosaurs Are NOT Food. She is committed to helping moms feed their families well and within their budget, believing that everyone can, and deserves, to eat well! Her greatest passion is freeing moms and kiddos from the “kid food” cycle and guiding them to a healthful and positive relationship with real food. She converted her very own 3 year old Master of All Things Bread and Cheese to a beet and broccoli lover, and she knows you can make it happen in your house, too. You can contact her at ginger@dinosaursarenotfood.com.