My father has often joked that he has two speeds: slow and stop. And it seems my daughters have inherited this trait. While I have not actually finished Infinite Jest, I’m pretty sure that I, too, would (finally) be able to read that tauntingly long tome in the time it takes my kids to get out the door. Why are the last five minutes the most excruciating?!!? Jennifer Raphael of Mother Words waxes philosophical about this particular power struggle in her family.
My kids have two speeds: impatience and slow motion, whichever is the most frustrating for the given situation.
You need some extra time to, say, meet a deadline? Whatever they want can’t come fast enough: a snack, a playdate, a password, a resolution to a ridiculous argument, a witness to a new, never before seen basketball move. Whatever non-vital thing it is, it must be seen, heard, mediated or eaten before you draw one more breath.
Now, let’s say you are in a hurry to get somewhere. Like school. Which is 20 minutes away and begins in 10 minutes.
That’s when the cement gets injected into their muscles. Because you could finish all 1,104 pages of Infinite Jest in the time it takes them to put on a coat. You can also count on some sort of last-second unecessary need. Like the shoes need to be untied and tied again, because they look funny. Or he needs different socks. Or a Lego man. Or, the event that most often thwarts all parents who enjoy being punctual: The Exit Poop.
The opposing speed phenomenon happens with such regularity that one of two reasons must be likely: My children are not swift enough to pick up on subtle cues, such as my exasperated shouting for them to move it. Or, they absolutely pick up on it and have – in their short lives – mastered passive aggression. Both are equally off-putting.
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Jennifer Raphael is writer of as-yet-unpublished fiction, a freelance marketing writer and a blogging balabusta for the Jewish Exponent. Jennifer started her career in journalism, writing for TV news and a suburban newspaper before joining the staff at Philadelphia Magazine. As a freelancer, she has written articles for Glamour, Mademoiselle, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan and Men’s Health, to name a few. You can see more of her work on her website: www.jenniferraphael.com, and join her intimate band of Twitter followers @jenniferaphael. Her weekly parenting blog, Mother Words, can be found at http://www.jewishexponent.com/mother-words. She describes her parenting style as Method.