Mother’s Day can be a blessing and a curse for people everywhere. Mother Words blogger Jenny Raphael tries to reason with Mother’s Day, but she isn’t having it. Clearly, we’re all doomed to brunch and buy flowers until the end of time.
Every year around this time, I fantasize about having Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Valentine’s Day wiped from the calendar forever. In the spirit of such utter fantasy, I give you a conversation between myself and Mother’s Day, which takes place while I am shopping for Mother’s Day cards at Paper Source.
And, action:
“Mother’s Day, is that you?”
“Damn, how’d you recognize me?”
“You reek of eggs benedict.”
“You know I love me some brunch. Speaking of which, how many you going to this year?”
“Two, most likely.”
“You’re welcome.”
“What are you doing here, anyway? Why are you moving those cards around?”
“I’m just managing the inventory. I have to make sure that by the time the forgetful get here, they have very slim pickings. They don’t deserve the good cards.”
“Sweet of you.”
“Just looking out for the mothers.”
“Yeah, like you really care.”
“I care deeply about all who contribute to my swelling net worth.”
“You should have enough to retire by now.”
“Retire? Never. Have you seen my Target displays? Twice the size of last year’s. I am killing it. Look at this card! This one card is $12.95! $12.95!”
“Seriously? Is it made from a Torah?”
“You joke, but you better stock up, sister. I know you need a card for your mom, and your stepmom and your mother-in-law and your grandmother and sister-in-law and your sister and your aunt, and, um, am I forgetting anyone?”
“No, but I probably will.”
“Just like last year.”
“Don’t be so smug. At least I don’t have to buy as many gifts.”
“Which is a mistake. They will totally read into it. If I were you I’d stock up on candles and fancy hand cream and coffee mugs with motivational sentiments.”
“God I hate you, Mother’s Day.”
“You should. Women like you keep me living like Jay and Bey. I just bought a boat. Did I say boat? I meant yacht. It’s enormous. It’s the size of Central America.”
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Jennifer Raphael is writer of as-yet-unpublished fiction, a freelance marketing writer and a blogging balabusta for the Jewish Exponent. Jennifer started her career in journalism, writing for TV news and a suburban newspaper before joining the staff at Philadelphia Magazine. As a freelancer, she has written articles for Glamour, Mademoiselle, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan and Men’s Health, to name a few. You can see more of her work on her website: www.jenniferraphael.com, and join her intimate band of Twitter followers @jenniferaphael. Her weekly parenting blog, Mother Words, can be found at http://www.jewishexponent.com/mother-words. She describes her parenting style as Method.