When I was in graduate school for clinical psychology, my professor told us a story. He was asked to assess the emotional development of a 3 year old girl who had had a very severe skin condition when she was a baby, in which she could not be touched without crying out in pain. When my professor met the child, he did not know what to expect – how would a child who could not be cuddled, held, or soothed in her mother’s arms behave? To his surprise, he found that the 3 year old had developed normally emotionally, and was securely attached to her mother. How could this be?
When my professor inquired the mother reported that she had spent the first couple of years singing to her daughter non-stop. She sang lullabies, play songs, about holding her, about loving her. My professor was shocked to realize that the mother’s singing had held the baby as her arms would have. The mother intuitively found an alternate way to hold her baby. She did this with her voice.
As a parent of a baby, you are probably familiar with these scenarios:
- Grandma comes to greet your baby. Her voice rises a few pitches higher and her words take on a melody, like a bell curve, that sounds much more sing-song than how they would greet a grown up – “Hellooooooo! How’s my little munchkin?”
- The baby is crying and you pick up the baby to soothe her. You say “It’s alright, It’s Ok.” Your voice drops at the end of each phrase and you are using a lower register than when we were playing with the baby a minute earlier.
- Grandpa is putting the baby to bed. He intuitively sings a lullaby that has a simple melody, fairly simple lyrics, and long notes. We may have even heard that same song sung to us.
- A mom is getting her baby dressed to go out. While she is doing so, she finds herself singing – “lets find your shoes, lets find your shoes, lets find your shoes.” She isn’t singing a particular song she knows rather she is improvising a simple melody to narrate what she is doing.
In each of these scenarios, the caregiver is adding melody to their speech in a way that is reserved only for when they are with the baby. Grandpa does not sing lullabies to anyone else, grandma does not coo that way normally, and the mother does not normally narrate in song.
So, why do we naturally sing to our babies? And how does it benefit them?
Let’s take a break for a minute from the musical part of this discussion, and talk attachment. Research in attachment theory teaches us that a secure attachment develops between caregiver and child when the caregiver is receptive to the baby’s cues . For example, when the baby is distressed after a fall or uncomfortable due to hunger, they send out a signal to their caregiver. The caregiver may respond by feeding the baby or with a supportive glance that helps the baby feel heard and tended to. Conversely, the baby may send out a signal that is flirty, a smile, a coo, in order to make sure the caregiver is attentive and watching. In these instances the caregiver often responds with a smile, with a hug, or cooing back.
Parents often respond to their babies’ signals without even thinking about it. It is this consistency – in which the baby can depend on a particular response and routine – that provides the baby with a sense of security and confidence.
Where does music factor in?
Research studies have shown that babies become more alert when their mother sings to them as opposed to talks to them, especially in high pitches. Speculations are that mothers originally used higher pitches to help the infant discern the mother’s voice from surrounding noise during feeding. Another hypothesis is that when the voice is paired with melody it carries more emotion, and babies sense that.
So when we are looking for playful engagement from our babies, we tend to do what grandma did in the scenario above. We raise our voices higher and sing-song our words so that they rise and descend like a bell. We do this even though we promised ourselves, years ago, that we would never talk to a baby like that.
Let’s put it all together. Music can help create a secure attachment with your baby in these ways:
- Consistency:
Attachment research teaches us that babies crave consistency. Lullabies are a perfect tool to create the consistency they need. Because of the repetitive nature of music, in which the melody and rhythm structure our words in a way that can be replayed, (as opposed to speech that can sound different every time you say the same thing,) every time you sing the lullaby it will sound very similar to the last. If you sing it every night your baby will start to expect the lullaby, and will eventually have a Pavlovian response to it; he or she will feel sleepy just at the sound of the lullaby.
This affect is not reserved for just lullabies. Any songs that you consistently sing will create an environment that your baby is familiar with and can expect. A morning song upon waking, a bath time song at bath time, or diaper changing song are all ways to help the baby become familiar with their routine and feel comfortable with transitions.
(There are so many beautiful lullabies out there. Here is the one I wrote with my first son.)
- Being attuned:
When we sing with our babies, whether intuitively or more intentionally, we tend to do so based on our babies cues. We sing a more soothing song when they are distressed, we sing more playful songs when they are more alert and happy. Without realizing it, when we sing to our babies we are tuning in, or attuning to their moods and needs.
- Getting in sync with your baby:
You probably spend quite a bit of time bouncing with your baby. In my groups, we work on how to use all the musical tools at your disposal to make your soothing more affective. For instance, not just bouncing, but bouncing to the rhythm of your song. This sounds obvious but is not always our instinct at 4:00am. When we sing a song (or hear a song) and bounce to the rhythm of that song with our baby we are getting in sync with our babies, our breath, our movements and our mood are matching up. It is similar to a group in a dance club, or a choir. Music has a way of unifying us and synchronizing our physical state.
- Engaging with the baby
Music naturally lends itself to playful engagement with your baby. As we mentioned earlier, babies become more alert at the sound of singing. In addition, they respond to dynamics that are an integral part of music– high voice/low voice, starts/stops, loud/soft. All of those hand songs that were sung to you as a kid – Itsy Bitsy Spider, Thumbkin, Head Shoulders Knees and Toes, Open Shut Them, are all great ways of using music to engage your baby and connect with him or her in a playful way.
- Soothing your baby:
Remember the mom from the beginning who held her baby with her voice? Singing is a great way to hold your baby when you can’t necessarily do so with your arms. For instance when you are in the car driving, or the baby is in the stroller, or you are talking long distance, singing to your baby is a way to send out your warm supportive arms with your voice. This especially works when we use a full voice with lots of breath support. Our babies are like emotional antennas that pick up on when we are feeling less relaxed. A simple trick to feel more relaxed (even if your baby is crying in your ear and you are not feeling relaxed at all,) is to take in deep breaths between phrases. This will calm your nervous system and eventually will have the same affect on your baby as you sing.
Why is it so important to have a secure attachment with my baby?
Research shows that a secure attachment at childhood can lead to secure attachments in adulthood. Meaning, a baby who has a secure relationship with their parents, based on all those concepts above, will probably grow up to have close and secure relationships with friends and lovers. And this, we hope, will lead to a happy life.
Do you need to sing to your baby in order to have a secure relationship?
Absolutely not. But singing is a natural tools that provides the baby with consistency, repetition, attunement, engagement, and all the other factors that lead to a secure bond with your baby.
Vered is a musician, music therapist and psychotherapist. Her albums have received Gold awards from the Parents Choice Association and the National Parenting Publications. Drawing on her graduate degrees in both Music Therapy and Clinical Psychology, she leads groups with parents teaching them how to use music to bond with their babies. She lives with husband and 3 kids in Brooklyn. To find info about performances and upcoming classes go to www.babyintune.com.