How Partners Can Get On The Same Parenting Page
You meet someone. The ONE. You fall in love. You think, here it is. The dream. The moment. Your are a perfect union. But ya know what will make you even perfect-er? SMALL PEOPLE. You need to add some babies to your lives! It will be great. You will be great parents, you will get a cute stroller, you know exactly what color to paint the room. You will go on picnics and play in the park. You SOOOO have this.
WAAAAIIITTTT!!!!!!! Before you start adding babies, there are a few things you must do first.
Talk about the tough stuff.
The family is one of the most important units that one will have in life. Should you chose to bring children into your family (child-free folks can create families as well, families of two) you will be a team and a duo in charge of something big. Coming together may seem easy: you love each other, you get each other, this is YOUR TIME. Remember parents to be, you and your partner are two different people with two different upbringings, and possibly two different ideas on how to raise children. Coming up with a team parenting philosophy will take time.
How does one come up with a team parenting philosophy, you ask? You can start by answering some thought provoking questions. The idea is to DISCUSS not FIGHT. You can find more questions to tackle at the end of this post.
What do we believe in?
As a single or child-free person your belief system is an important thing. How you run your life, your ideas about the world, they may be religious or NON -religious beliefs. When you start a family that includes children, you are bringing together two sets of beliefs. Sometimes they may be comparable, other times not so much. The ideas and traditions that you want to pass on are close to your heart. The style of parenting you choose runs deep. What makes this challenging is that there are two of you, who come from different families with different ideas, traditions and ways of thinking. You need to meld that in order for your family to thrive. While your beliefs do not have to be exactly the same, they do need to be in line when it comes to your child. Will you attend religious services? Do you want religion in your life? What does that mean? How to you feel is the best way to raise your child? What do you believe about your place in the world and society? What are your thoughts on education? Other strongly held beliefs involve how to get baby to sleep, discipline, chores, allowance (what parents pay for/what kids pay for).
These beliefs may change over time as you grow as parents, so keep talking. It may seem early but the need for discipline pops up faster than you think and how you handle it and 1.5, 3, 7, and 15 are all different. Start talking early and often. It is not about who is right, but what feel best for the both of you.
How will we parent?
You are in love. You love being together. You LOVE doing things for each other. You are partners and equals. One cooks, one does dishes. You are in perfect harmony, NOW. That harmony can go sour fast if you have not talked about parental roles. I am going to be clear here, parental roles are NOT gender roles. Remember that anyone can do any job, (well, not breastfeeding, but besides that). What do you expect from one another? Who is getting up at night, and when? Who changes diapers? Cooks? Does laundry? What are your thoughts about child care? Be very clear about what you want and expect. It can be easy for one parent to find themselves taking on the heavier load without either party realizing it. If you talk about parent roles, expectations, and wants beforehand, you can find the balance that works for you.
The WILL. Who gets the kids?
Here is the one NO ONE wants to talk about. It can take months and for some, years to do this, but it may be the most important thing you do. Talk about who will raise your children should something happen to you both. YIKES!! Who wants to think about dying? Who wants to think about dying and leaving their kids to grow up without them? It’s horrifying. It’s terrifying. No parent wants to go there, but you have to. Who do you trust your kids with? Who will raise them they way that you want them to be raised. This one is TOUGH. You both have families and friends, but who has your belief system (yup, the one that was mentioned above), or as close as one can get? If you let this go, others will make the decision for you and it may not be the person you wanted it to be.
Any other dreams?
Were there any other thoughts, wishes, and dreams that you had for your family? Do you have traditions that you want passed on? Is there a feeling you want for your your home? Is there the kind of parent that you never want to be? What does your utopian family look like? I will be honest here, you know that I always am, your family will NOT always look and function like the one in your dreams. Often it will not nail the sparkly vision, but if you have a vision, a plan, and you and your partner are on the same parenting page, you can get your family back on the path that you are aiming for and parent in the ways that you want.
Still not sure where to begin? Stop by my Team Parenting Philosophy page to print out questions for you and your partner to answer. It won’t be easy. It WILL open up a lot of discussions. And, in the end, it will be one of the best things that you can do for your family.
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Brandi Davis, ACC, is a certified Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.