Brandi Davis of Child and Family Coaching gives us another stellar contribution, this time, about what our kids should be allowed to say, and how we can respond well, even when their words are hard to hear.
1) Can I Get A Minute?
OK, maybe not so much in those words, but it’s the idea that we are going for. You tell your child to clean up and they have 3 more puzzle pieces. It is totally acceptable for a child to ask to finish the puzzle. It is no affront to your authority if a child needs a moment. You’re ready for their nap time but their show has 2 more minutes. I like to know how a story ends, why wouldn’t your child feel the same way (yes the child who has seen that episode 1000000000000 times)? You might be asking, “Why should I let my kid negotiate bath or bed or leaving time? If I say something, I should be listened to!” Negotiations, NO, but a kind request for a few more minutes, sure. Right there is your parent-as-mentor moment. The moment when you teach your kids HOW to make requests. “I’M NOT DOOONNEEE!” “YOU NEED TO WAIT.” “NO!” Those are not the responses that you would like from your children. “Mom, can I have a few more minutes?” “Dad, can I just finish this show?” “Can I draw the door on my house?” These are.
By giving your child a voice, a kind voice, but a voice, you will be strengthening your relationship. You will end many power struggles. You will be heard more because you are hearing your child.
Just can’t wait a minute? It happens. Save the activity. “We really need to get your sister, but we will leave the puzzle right here and you can finish it when you get home.” “We can leave your race track out and you can pick up where you left off tomorrow.” A little respect goes a long way. We want our kids, who will be teens, and grown ups someday, to have a voice. A voice that is calm and respectful, but again, a voice. You want them to be able to ask for what they need and want.
2) I’m Angry At You
Also known as, “I hate you.” “You are the worst.” “I want another Mommy.” “Sam’s Daddy is better then you.” You get it. These words are no fun to hear, but they are just words. Think for a moment and I am SURE that you can recall a time when you found yourself saying these types of phrases to YOUR parents. Now let’s go back to the just words thing. Words CAN hurt, but it is really the feelings that those words bring up that makes them so powerful. You might feel, angry, powerless, guilty, frustrated, hurt, a loss of authority, and it goes on from there. Those feelings are no fun for us, but it is also no fun for a child to be stifled. Children have the same feelings that we do. They get upset and angry and frustrated, sometimes, (err, often) at the grown ups in their lives. We tell them what to do, what not to do, and how to do it. It can be a lot to handle. Kids can get angry for a myriad of reasons. You told them that it is, in fact, raining, when they have decided it is not. You are both soaking wet, standing out in a monsoon, but somehow your child sees no rain. HUH? It could stem from our anger. We got angry so they got angry. Or when we laid down a consequence, like no blocks because they were being thrown, they got angry. We told them it is time for bed, so they got angry.
The reason we can let this maddening behavior go on is that it produces kids who grow into teens and grown ups who can express their feelings productively. Yup, just like with the “Can I Get A Minute” from above. No, Your child cannot be mad and hit you or throw things or say unkind words, BUT they can say that they are angry, explain why they feel this way, and storm away.
3) NO
Have you ever heard someone say, “Children can’t say ‘no’ to a grown up!”? EEEKKKK!!! This hits me at my core. Even this Parenting Coach gets, “NO’ed” and I want to just let go, “Really? Really? I am asking one favor. Get your shoes, I help you open things, I am there for you and I ask for ONE THING. ONE. THING!!!” But I do not do that. I take a breath and move forward and by that I mean that I am more clear. A child has every right to say “no”, but that does not absolve them of their responsibilities. However, I will not discipline the, “no.” I try, “I hear that you do not want to clean up. That’s fine but you cannot do anything else until you do. This is your responsibility. Clean when you are ready.” The child is STILL going to have to clean, but they CAN tell me “no”. It’s not gonna be super fun for them, but sure, “no” away, little friend.
We hope that all of the grown ups in our child’s life are safe or all kids are thoughtful, but some will not be. We want kids to be able to say no to the stranger asking them to come with them. That is the big one of course, but smaller instances happen. We want them to be able to say to not the peanut butter cracker offered by a friends mom that will send them to the hospital. We want them to be able to speak their mind when they are accused of something that they did not do. We want them as teens and young adults to be able to say, “no” to things that make them uncomfortable. “No”, isn’t a bad word. It is a powerful one and one our children need, even if it bites us in the ass sometimes, oftentimes.
So, take a breath, shake up the parenting rules, and see how your kids feel respected. You may even find that with all of the newfound respect, some of these phrases will melt away.
Brandi Davis is a certified Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.