So, your child comes home with a less than stellar report card. Instead of going ballistic, learn how to accentuate the positive and get great results.
“When I was in grammar school, my mother was never happy with my grades,” recalls Raul Martinez, who is an FDNY officer today. “If I got B’s, she asked why I didn’t get A’s. I felt so frustrated and unappreciated that I just stopped trying and started acting out.”
The Underachiever Tango
Sound familiar? Bart Simpson might not be the only one with “Underachiever and Proud of It” stamped on his forehead. But it may not entirely be your kids’ fault. When your child has a bad report card do you turn into “Old Yeller” or are you a supportive cheerleader? Experts say the latter garners the best results.
“Even before you turn up the volume at home, your child knows they’ve done poorly,” points out LA-based psychologist Alice Spiro. “They could have spent the entire day filled with dread about showing you that math quiz and may have even beaten up themselves mentally about it.”
What’s the solution, then?
Positive Reinforcement
“I call it accentuating the positive,” explains Spiro. “Begin by telling your child that you know they tried hard but you also know that they can do so much better.” Starting by listing some of their good traits is always a winner, suggests Spiro—“It puts them in a receptive state of mind and they’re more likely to listen to your suggestions.”
Sarah Litman, a physical therapist in the Wisconsin public school system heartily agrees. “Emphasizing what your child can do instead of their shortcomings bolsters their ego and makes them want to do better,” Litman tells. The seeds are planted for success, she says. “Sit down together and think of ways they can do better on the next test,” Litman suggests. “Figure out study strategies. Make a chart of goals and achievements and fill them with gold stars or reward your child with a pleasurable activity when they do better on the next report card.”
The Big Buildup
“I used to be one of those parents who yelled or punished when Sasha or Steve came home with a bad report card,” confesses Mary Heman, a nurse and mom of two from Brooklyn. “But I soon realized it wasn’t getting us anywhere.” Instead, Heman now gives her kids a hug, looks in their eyes and tells them that she wants other people to realize how great they are, starting with their teachers.
Building kids up is a winning strategy, say Litman and Spiro, and the first step on the road of academic success.
As the mother of a sixteen-year-old with learning disabilities (ADHD and dyslexia), I couldn’t agree more. Even when my husband and I need to talk to David about his sagging grades, we try to make it an ego-builder—first telling him how great he’s done, how far he’s come, and that we know he can do even better. And guess what? It works! Instead of David being crushed, he’s pumped, filled with confidence, and eager to show us that he can do better. And he does. In the end, positivity—and love—always come out on top.
Catherine Gigante-Brown is a writer of fiction, nonfiction and poetry. Her works have appeared in a variety of publications, including Ravishly, Industry, The Establishment, The Huffington Post, Essence and Time Out New York, as well as in women’s fiction anthologies. Several of her scripts have been produced by small, independent companies. Her novels The El and Different Drummer were released by Volossal Publishing. She was born in Brooklyn, where she still lives with her husband and teenage son.