Dear K,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I yell. I’m sorry that I can’t always tell when you’re faking it and when you’re hurting deep inside. I’m sorry that I make a lot of the same mistakes over and over again, and that my patience waxes and wanes so fast, sometimes leaving you confused.
I am sorry that you can’t understand how hard it is to be a Mommy. I’m sorry you can’t understand how sorry I am for those times when I make you sad.
I am sorry that you can’t understand how much I love you and how my heart breaks with joy and misery when you offer me a tissue and say, “Mommy, I’m sorry too.” And I’m sorry that when you do, I automatically suspect your motives, just a little bit.
I’m glad, though, that I have made choices that have kept you from having to understand these things now, when you’re so little. I didn’t quite have that experience growing up, and I’m sorry that I don’t know whether that’s good or bad.
I’m sorry that I don’t know quite when to hold the line and when to soften. I’m sorry that I don’t believe in ever flying the white flag with you, even though sometimes I probably should.
I’m sorry that I don’t always know when to challenge you and when to accept your limitations. I’m sorry that I don’t always accept that you are not a mini me, and that your talents may well take a very different path from my own.
I’m sorry I get frustrated so quickly, and I’m sorry that you probably think I’m judging you and finding you wanting.
I do judge you and I’m not sorry for that. I take your measure all the time and most of the time, I can’t believe how lucky I am with what I find.
And I’m sorry for those times when, for good or for ill, I don’t keep those deliberations entirely secret.
I love you, little girl, make no mistake, and I’m sorry for the rough night we’ve just had. But now, my dear, Go the Fuck to Sleep.
Yours. Always.
Mommy
Philadelphia native Kelly Affannato Ohlert is a Mom to a Spanish-immersed first grader at Southwark Elementary School and an attorney. A grad of Temple Law, the Penn Graduate School of Education, the Penn College of Arts and Crafts, and the School District of Philadelphia (K-12), Kelly quickly learned that all of her education made zero difference when her daughter was born six years ago. A civil rights attorney in Philly and the surrounding counties, Kelly is also a strong advocate of basic estate planning for families, and offers reduced cost services in that area for local parents. If she had any spare time, she’d use it to take long walks through the city, play video games, and paint. Kelly can be reached with comments or questions about legal issues, total Spanish immersion, or running a home zoo at kelly@ohlertlaw.com.