As children get older it can seem like a constant struggle to get them to do what you want. Gone are the days of the acquiescent grade schooler who hangs on your every word, and happily obeys your directives. Once your children reach the “terrible twelve’s,” they will likely push back and test the boundaries. Of course this stage can start much earlier, and no child follows an exact pattern.
This struggle can be frustrating as you, the parent, have expectations, rules, and routines that you want your child to follow. You have goals for them. You want them to succeed in school, to have friends, to be happy, and good citizens. As children start to enter adolescence, they may begin to pull away from your expectations a little more. They may start to test you and the boundaries that you’ve worked so hard to establish. They may want to spend more time socializing and less time on their schoolwork. As this happens, I often hear the question, “How do I get them to do what I want?” Below are some tips on how to develop plans at home with your child to get what you, the parent want, while keeping the peace at home.
- Identify what your goals are and what is your desired behavior for your child. It’s very important to be consistent.
- Identify what motivates your child and what their interests are.
- Use their interests and desires to compromise and establish incentives for good behavior.
- Ex: John (child) wants that new video game. I (parent) want him to spend more time doing his homework/studying to improve his grades from 70’s to 80’s. Instead of buying the video game for him because he wants it, set expectations and goals for him to meet over the next semester. Once he meets these goals, then buy him the video game.
- Increase the chances of your child buying into your plan by making them an active participant. When your children have input too they won’t feel infantilized and you can better understand their needs and what will motivate them. Make it a contract between you and have one or both parents sign it as well as your child.
- Keep track of goal maintenance. Make a tracking system that’s visual to both parent(s) and child.
- Ex: Make a calendar where you and your child can check off daily that they spent the time on their homework/studying.
- Follow through. Don’t make empty promises. If your child meets their goals, make sure you follow through with whatever incentive you agreed to. This will help motivate your child in forming new goals and expectations later. And no matter how much your child may beg or plead, stay the course! It will pay off in the long run.
The examples above are around homework production and grade improvement. The same steps can be applied to other goals you have for your child. Maybe it’s a targeted behavior or skill you want your child to improve on. Try it out following these same tips. Planning with your child, consistency and follow through are essential in this process.
Alisha Bennett, LMSW is a therapist at Cobb Psychotherapy with locations in Brooklyn and Manhattan. She has over 8 years of experience working with children, adolescents, young adults and families in the New York City public school system. Alisha is currently the School Counselor at PS/IS 276, a kindergarten-8th grade school in lower Manhattan. She can help with various special needs including learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, ODD, Autism and ASD. Alisha also works with adopted children and children of divorce/separation. Alisha helps children build the skills they need to be more successful in school and have improved self-esteem day to day. Her approach is positive, encouraging, and builds self-awareness. Alisha practices from CBT, Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports (PBIS) and Social Thinking concepts. She believes if children can, then they do. If children are not demonstrating particular behaviors, they need support developing their skills.