Parenthood. Where do we begin? There’s so much to say. It takes us down some pretty stressful, crazy roads literally and figuratively. Often, the relationship between co-parents needs attention too! We have a wonderful, insightful, and healing article here by psychotherapists Rachael Benjamin and Matt Lundquist from Tribeca Therapy in NYC that will help lead all of us parents toward a better place. You’ll be glad you read it!
~Rebecca Conroy, Editor of A Child Grows in Brooklyn
We are psychotherapists who work with individuals, couples and families. We work together in Lower Manhattan and live in Brooklyn. Over the years we have helped hundreds of kids, teens, couples and families come together and thrive. We have an appreciation for the challenges involved in parenting children in New York City.
We often receive inquiries for therapy from a desperate parent who doesn’t know where to begin. Does my kid need therapy? Do I? Should my partner and I sign up for couples therapy or marriage therapy? While the answer is never simple, we often feel that the best place to start is with the leadership team–getting mom and dad (or dad and dad, or mom and mom) into a context (good therapy) where they can get the help they need to thrive.
Parents come in all shapes and sizes, and all are worth celebrating. There’s a good deal of attention given to co-parenting from separate households but the modern version of the old-fashioned two-parent household needs attention, too. There are lots of ways a leadership partnership can look (including parents and step-families, grandparents and neighbors) and lots of kinds of help those partnerships may need to thrive.
Talk about values
What’s important to us as parents? What kind of children do we want to raise? What sorts of financial priorities matter more or less to us? These questions are often taken for granted–we assume we picked a partner with whom we share values or that we know where we stand on these matters. But you might be surprised. Often, we haven’t talked about these things before children entered the picture, and now we aren’t on the same page and are moving forward by default.
Manage conflict
Having your kids see you disagree and resolve conflicts is great. Adults disagree and fight sometimes. There are limits, though, and there are ways conflict can break down where you might want to consider getting some help. If the fight is frequently unfriendly or heated, even if it gets resolved or if the disagreements regularly fail to lead to a resolve, your kids aren’t learning how to fight respectfully; they’re learning that disagreement is scary and best avoided.
Like it or not, your kids are a part of your relationship. While there are plenty of matters best resolved after the kids go to bed, your kids have a pretty good idea when there’s tension. This doesn’t have to be a problem. Seeing conflicts emerge helps kids understand that you’re human, and gives them an opportunity to see how conflicts and hurt feelings can be managed by people in the context of a loving relationship.
Intimacy is a vital part of good parenting
In the hustle and bustle of keeping up with work and all of the demands a busy family, too often intimacy between parents gets moved to the back burner. There are all sorts of reasons why, when intimacy isn’t a priority, your kids miss out. Seeing closeness in their parents’ relationship helps children develop a sense of the value and shape that closeness can take in the myriad of relationships in their lives, including when they’re older and form their own romantic partnerships. Intimacy, of course, can look like many things. Kids can benefit from seeing emotional affection, hand-holding, kissing. They may laugh or squirm, but they’re learning about relationships at the same time.
What about therapy?
Couples with children often arrive at couples therapy with a lengthy list of things to work on, and invariably, concerns about their children take center stage. Off the bat, we work to help parents see that these issues aren’t really so separate. Child raising is a team sport. If there’s struggle among the leaders of the team, it’s likely the whole team will suffer. Learning how to make decisions, get closer, have more fun together; all of these have more to do with raising happy, thriving kids than many at first may think.
Raising children demands that we grow and stretch in ways we sometimes never thought possible! This is both the joy and challenge of parenthood. There are moments in the life of every family where we come face to face with our own limitations or the limitations of our partner. Sometimes, admitting that we don’t know what we are doing is the best thing. Learning how to grow as a team, supporting your partner’s growth and creating a common language around this is helpful in the moment but also as a powerful investment for your family that will stay with you through all the stages of family life.