One of our favorite contributors, Clinical Psychologist Emma Basch, talks with us about the utter necessity of having other mom friends once you step into parenthood. It’s an age-old trick: surrounding yourself with a gang of other like-minded mom friends will increase your happiness quotient by far, and steer you clear of lots of potential isolation, sadness, and depression. Take a read…
~Rebecca Conroy, Editor of A Child Grows in Brooklyn
Mommy mafia, stroller brigade, mommy posse. I’m sure you’ve heard a dozen names describing them, and seen TV shows poking fun at them. Perhaps you’ve even joined in and rolled your eyes when you’ve seen a group of moms with strollers taking up the entire width of the sidewalk or gathering with matching baby carriers outside a coffee shop. But, I’m here to explain the value of these groups. Indeed, countless studies have shown that lack of social support during pregnancy and the postpartum period puts women at higher risk for developing a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (PMAD).
A complaint I hear from many clients in my psychotherapy practice is having a profound sense of isolation. For some this begins during pregnancy, and for many it begins after having a baby. While these clients have solid friendships, and often have family support, they still note significant feelings of isolation. When we dive into why they are feeling this, what becomes clear is a lack of connection to other pregnant women or new parents.
So, why is having “mom friends” different than having other support? For many, this is due to the shift in role and identify that occurs when a person becomes a parent; this is where the tribe comes in. There is something special and uniquely important about connecting with others who are also simultaneously experiencing this role and identity shift. There is an intimacy to these friendships that develops quickly, and intensely. Perhaps it blossoms in the unique experience of connecting over such personal topics as pregnancy or childbirth. Maybe it is bolstered in the vulnerability in sharing one’s fears about parenthood or infant development. Whatever the reason, these relationships are crucial to combatting that sense of isolation.
I recommend to all my clients that they make an effort to shore up these specific support networks before their baby arrives. Research suggest that mobilizing the supports ahead of time can be preventative against PMADS. Luckily there are numerous ways to do this. What’s most important is that you do it in a way that honors who you are as a person, and how you like to connect with others. Sure you may have to kiss a few frogs in the process, but in time you will definitely find your mommy soul mate.
Some suggestions:
- Consider joining your neighborhood parenting listserv before the baby arrives. This is a great way to find out about various resources and meet-ups that exist for expecting parents, as well to research some options for the postpartum period.
- Try a pre-natal exercise class. Research shows that exercise plays an important role in perinatal mental health so it’s a great way to bolster your emotional and physical wellness while connecting with other parents to be. There are many options out there, from yoga to running groups, so chose what speaks to you.
- A local labor/childbirth class is a great way to connect with parents-to-be. Be choosey about what type of class you sign up for, both to ensure you get the education you want, and to increase your chances of connecting with other moms and dads who hold similar interests and values who live nearby.
After the baby comes, there are also lots of wonderful options for new connections:
- Try a ‘baby and me’ class. There are many options available, from exercise, infant massage, breast feeding support, music, and so much more. I encourage my clients to try out several options until they connect with a class that feels right.
- A mom’s group or a support group can be a great way to connect with new parents. Moms’ groups tend be peer organized and somewhat informal, while support groups are both peer or professionally led and are generally more structured or have a specific central focus. Depending on your needs and interests, both can be quite valuable.
- Try a group that is affiliative in nature- say a group for adoptive parents, single parents, GLBT parents, or parents of color.
- Consider going on some “blind mommy dates.” Perhaps your colleague wants to introduce you to a friend of theirs whose baby is the same age, or you strike up a conversation with another new mom at the park. I’d encourage you to say yes, exchange numbers, and meet for a much needed cup of coffee.
I make a special point of recommending this to my pregnant clients who already have children. For many second or third time moms, the time demands of parenthood, the sense of having been there done that, and of course the social connections they have already established, are all common deterrents to making new connections before baby arrives. And yet, finding the time and space for these new connection remains incredibly important.
Also, for parents who are going back to work who are deterred from making connections by the short amount of time off, I would still encourage you to try and connect with other new parents. Even a few short weeks of connection can make a world of difference in combatting social isolation. Whether the relationship ends there or becomes a source of ongoing friendship and support, it is still so worth it!
An important note for dads, partners, and/or non primary care givers: finding new connections is incredibly important for you too. Isolation, role confusion, and even postpartum depression and anxiety occurs in partners as well so I highly encourage all new parents to seek out and nurture new connections as well.
So whether you are pregnant, adopting, its your first baby or your fourth, seek support and connection and find your tribe!
Emma Basch is a licensed clinical psychologist who maintains private practices in Manhattan and Brooklyn. She specializes in women’s mental health, with a focus on the perinatal period and has received training from the Postpartum Stress Center and Postpartum Support International. For more information, you can check out her website at dremmabasch.com.