Philly mama, Music Therapist, Professional Counselor, & Certified Birth & Bereavement Doula, Heidi Lengel, shares her tips on coping with a pregnancy loss. You can find out more about Heidi, her family-centered business, Fulheart Family Support, her background and her services on her website.
Dear Mamas,
We see you, Moms of invisible babies. We know you’re there. Silently, or not so silently, pondering your pregnancy loss as the moments and days go by. It can be confusing and complicated. There are so many variables at play like:
- Whether or not this was a wanted or unwanted pregnancy
- At what point in the pregnancy the loss occurred, and how long ago it happened
- The type and tone of your relationship with the father
- Whether or not you have any existing children
- The way the pregnancy impacted your personal and/or professional plans
- The way in which you said goodbye to your baby
No matter how the pieces of the puzzle fit together for you, we all have a common denominator: we are human. Creating spaces for healing and self-repair can be vital for moving forward with greater emotional and physical health after a pregnancy loss, especially if becoming pregnant again is your desire. With that in mind, here are 3 self care tips for pregnancy loss recovery:
- Be kind to yourself. Your body has been through a lot of changes. Even if your pregnancy last for a few short weeks, your body will need time to finish hormonal shifts and recover. Know that in that time, you may experience moodiness and feel less able to engage in relationships with others. That’s OK. If, however, you notice a shift in mood that lasts for more than a month, reach out to talk to someone. Postpartum depression and anxiety can occur after pregnancy losses, too!
- Talk about it. Or don’t. Everyone grieves differently. While some Moms want to connect with others and seek out peer support or the help of a therapist, others prefer to journey alone for a while. Whatever you do, please don’t feel undue pressure to “tell everyone your story”. If you choose to talk about your loss, be mindful of who you speak to. Set aside time to connect with someone who will listen openly, without judgement, provide counsel (if you want it) or simply just be with you. That acquaintance or family member who isn’t the most sensitive? Maybe you can wait to tell them, or choose to refrain from sharing that part of your life with them if it isn’t safe to do so.
- Honor the pregnancy. Some women choose to honor the pregnancy, no matter how long or short, as a way of recognizing the baby. You may choose to do something small like write a note or letter to the baby, plant a flower or bush, or sit quietly in a park reflecting on your baby’s life. Depending on how far along your pregnancy loss occurred, you may choose to hold a remembrance ceremony that includes a small gathering of family and/or friends; you may even choose to do something meaningful with the baby’s body. Alternatively, you could decide that you don’t feel the need to ‘honor’ the pregnancy or season of life at this time. That’s ok too. Whatever you decide, take time to make a grounded choice, with your partner if possible and/or appropriate, so that in turn, you are honoring your own journey has well.
Philadelphia Resources
Heidi Lengel, MMT, MT-BC, CD(SBD) is a professional birth support specialist who focuses in music therapy assisted childbirth as well as therapeutic perinatal bereavement support. She is a seasoned music therapist, certified birth & bereavement doula, passionate perinatal mental health advocate, and loves supporting families throughout seasons of life and loss. In her spare time she can be found greening urban spaces with her kid(s!) and husband while slurping up the last drops of a caramel iced latte.
Fulheart Family Support offers a wide variety of bereavement support options to Moms and families experiencing pregnancy loss in any trimester, or at the time of birth. For more information, contact heidi@fulheartfamilysupport.com.