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Navigating Exclusion in the World of Digital Drama

Pre-teen and teenage years can be very intense times for all involved. Heightened senses of questioning self-worth, identity, popularity and attractiveness are running rampant and family members can often feel confused about how to help when their kid is suffering from exclusion, drama, or the effect of a ‘mean kid’ situation. Here we have a helpful article by Doctor Devorah Heitner about navigating that stinging exclusion that children can feel. 

Whether unintentionally or not, kids exclude other kids. In real-world social spaces, this is complicated to manage. In the digital world the dynamics are even more complex. Every social media workshop I do with kids offers them room to talk about one of the major problems that social media can exacerbate: the feeling that everyone is hanging out and having fun without you. It is one thing to learn about something you missed after the fact; it is even more painful to watch photos posted in real time by kids who are at a party or get-together that is taking place without you.

Kids in my workshops say it is especially hurtful to see such social posts if a friend has lied to them—but even if a friend said openly that she couldn’t hang out because she had “other plans,” they may feel bad if they see those other plans that don’t include them.

Social media can turn up the dial on whatever is already going on with kids and their friends. Many parents have observed an amplification of emotions from teens and tweens who are new to social networks and are naturally wired for peer comparisons and feelings of exclusion. With or without personal devices or social media accounts, the “drama” usually begins for kids as they move toward puberty.  As a parent, you want to look for signs that your child is thriving and enjoying the dramas, or successfully avoiding or ignoring them. If they are right in the middle, you have the opportunity to mentor them to be kind, and not manipulative. If the drama is isolating or upsetting your child, you need to be even more proactive in helping him create boundaries.

Here are some forms digital drama can take:

•           Taking other kids’ phones and sending out mean, stupid, or silly texts from their phones.

•           Sharing embarrassing or incriminating pictures.

•           Propagating anonymous rumors.

•           Trying to start trouble between two friends.

•           “Innocently” pointing out that someone unfollowed you.

•           Anonymously asking questions about someone on an anonymous site.

•           Stirring up conflict via comments on a social media site.

•           Oblique references to someone who “shouldn’t really be on this group text” on a group text.

If such behavior presents itself as a negative, stressful factor in your child’s life, you may want to consider helping her plug into another community, scout group, or youth group.  Brainstorm with them some ideas to feel better if they are feeling left out looking at an app or post. Putting the phone away, distractions with fun activities, and getting some exercise are great ways to stop obsessing  Also, it’s perfectly okay to unplug! Strategic offline time can be a salve to the chafing of everyday tech-induced drama. While I believe we want to foster a positive use of technology, that doesn’t mean it needs to be a 24–7 pursuit. Breaks are good. They help us reset—and not just for the kids!

Devorah Heitner, Ph.D., is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World. She is also the founder of Raising Digital Natives, which helps parents, schools, and kids grow a culture of positive digital citizenship. Want to learn more? Take the How Screenwise Are You quiz.