Alice Kaltman, LCSW, founder of Family Matters NY shares her expert advice on parenting and family life. This week, she’s exploring the do’s and don’t’s on fighting in front of our kids.
All couples have conflict. Those friends of yours who seem to be so ‘in love’ with each other, so fight-free? Believe me, they too have their moments. Every couple does.
Couples with young kids are likely to have even more conflict. Stakes are higher, tensions are greater, sleep and sex are diminished. For many couples old gripes join new ones in a steamy stew always on the verge of boiling over. And while experts have gone back and forth on whether it’s good for kids to bear witness to their parents tussles, most of us agree: if the fight is an insult sling fest, if one person storms out, leaving the other to do damage control, when all that’s been witnessed is a berating scene of hurt feelings and no resolution, it ain’t good for anyone. On the other hand, it can be instructive and character building for some kids to observe their parents talk through their differences, even heatedly, and reach some kind of accord in the end.
Fighting is inevitable, but fair fighting takes practice and effort, especially with little ones underfoot, distracting you and upping the conflict ante. Whether you’ve been parenting for six months or sixty years it is worth looking at the quality, content and timing of your arguments and try to follow some of the basic ground rules below.
DON’T fight about parenting decisions in front of kids, if at all possible. If your partner has started a course of action that’s not your preferred approach, keep your mouth shut, or suck it up and join in. If you really disagree with what they’re doing, develop a hand signal to indicate your disapproval and let that hand signal be the indicator that you need to talk/disagree/argue about this issue in private later on.
DO step in and disagree if you truly feel your partner’s parenting is harming your child, feel it’s downright abusive, or dangerous.
DO have open disagreements about where or what to eat, how to get places, politics, household logistics, shared responsibilities that are not being shared, plates that are not being stepped up to. Bickering is okay, especially if peppered with a sense of humor, and frequent admissions of fallibility.
DON’T fight about your serious relationship issues in front of your kids. It is incredibly scary for kids to think their parents union is shaky. If your relationship is truly at risk, go get some couples therapy pronto, or at the very least save all such talks for after bedtime.
DON’T label each other. We’ve all been told we should address our kids’ behavior and not their beings (“That was a naughty thing to do” as opposed to “You’re a naughty boy”), so we should do the same towards our partners, especially in front of our kids. So if you think your partner has said something stupid, don’t say “You’re stupid.” Try at least to say, “That’s a stupid idea.” Better yet, try “I disagree. That sounds kind of stupid.” Best, “I disagree.”
DO apologize publicly. Let your kids hear you say you’re sorry. It’s fantastic when kids hear both parents taking responsibility for their part in an argument, so don’t be a stubborn, non-reflector who keeps letting the other guy take the fall. There are always two sides to an argument, so there can always be two apologies.
DO make apologies physical as well, because kids under the age of eight don’t recognize resolution unless it’s accompanied by a kiss and/or hug.
DON’T stew silently. Kids know when something’s up with their parents. If you’re having a disagreement with your partner that’s still unresolved let your kids know that you and daddy/mommy are trying to figure something out together, that’s it’s hard work, but you’re really trying. Then, live up to your words, and try.
Alice Kaltman, LCSW has been working with parents and kids since 1988. In 2006, she co-founded Family Matters NY (FMNY) with Sara Zaslow, LMSW. FMNY is a parenting coaching service for Brooklyn and Manhattan families, providing support through home and office visits. Alice lives in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn with her teen-age daughter and husband, the sculptor Daniel Wiener. She also writes fiction for kids, and dances professionally in her spare (?) time. Write to Alice at info@familymattersny.com.