Sharon Peters, founder of Parents Helping Parents in Brooklyn, gives us the essential tools to prepare ourselves (and the kids), for all of life’s challenges. Bringing adults and children from two families into one household offers an array of exciting possibilities—and a fair number of complications. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind if you are “blending” your brood.
Blended families are usually formed after the end of a challenging time and a parent’s hopefulness about his or her new relationship can be heartening for everyone. The practical and emotional support offered by a new partner is often invaluable as well. Adding adults and/or children to a family also brings fresh perspectives, i.e. different ways to have fun, helpful ideas about routines and extra love and care.
Nevertheless pulling together people with a variety of experiences is a lot to sort through as parenting styles and emotional temperaments often differ. Additionally children and adults who were used to having their loved ones “all to themselves” can easily feel neglected in the new crowd (even when it is small). The pressure of meeting the needs of many different relationships at the same time can also easily overwhelm many moms and dads.
Even when everyone gets along well when they first meet, things can change dramatically when the group starts living together. The goal of creating a big happy family can take a long time and a fair amount of patience and understanding.
It can help when moms and dads somehow find a way to create regular alone time with each of their children and their partner. Creating this space regularly, even for a little while, can give each relationship time to “remember each other” and can provide an opportunity to process how things are going while offering empathy and/or concrete solutions to stress.
It is also good to remember that a child usually only needs one or two ongoing authority figures in his or her life at home and mom and/or dad already offer plenty to sort through. Although stepparents often can suggest helpful ideas from a wise outside point of view, they usually can’t assume the role of parent especially when enforcing limits or rules. I often recommend that whenever possible “steps” become a trusted friend and confident to their partner and children, offering advice only when it will be appreciated. Pulling off such a disciplined role can be challenging at best but any successes in this direction can avoid emotional powder kegs that often come with poorly timed judgments and remarks about children’s behaviors or parental supervision.
Loving stepparents can make an invaluable difference to everyone in their home and when freed from the nitty gritty aspects of discipline can sometimes find thoughtful and loving ways to sort challenging family problems through.
I am lucky enough to be a step, birth and adoptive mom. Every time someone was added to the family it took effort to understand the intricacies of the latest version of my crowd. Nevertheless it was an important and uniquely heartwarming opportunity that taught me a lot about people, connection and care. I now cherish my relationships with all of my adult children and their families and can’t imagine a full life without them.
Sharon Peters is the founder and director of Parents Helping Parents in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Parents Helping Parents offers practical solutions to parents and parents and children through individual appointments arranged on an as needed basis. Topical workshops and ongoing groups also provide participants with opportunities to share their personal experiences and hear helpful perspectives.