Sometimes it feels like I let everything slip and crash to the floor, and the pieces of my life, my work, my parenting, my self-care, all lie in a glinting, smashed pile of sharp shards in front of me.
Let me begin by way of introduction: I am a 40-year old, single mama of a 7 year old, with my own business. My work is guiding women to clarity, supporting them in setting up goals and systems that work for them. We build a practice of stilling the noise in their heads so they can tap into their deep inner wisdom and find the answers to the questions they have, clear the blocks and fears that stand in their way of abundance, and set their lives up EXACTLY the way they want to.
And a lot of the time, I walk my talk. And to be fair, in 6 years I’ve gone from a broke, isolated, miserable and dis-empowered, and overweight single mama to an amazingly happy woman. I quit my day job over a year ago. I work solely on what I love, and set my own work hours. I take off to go on 4-day weekends to a farmhouse upstate, to have lunch at school with my daughter, and for unexpected beach days. I have more money in the bank than I need to live on right now, I have friends who support me unconditionally and I have a home I love with lots of space. I have time to work and do all the other odd things I love – save pit bulls, read at least a book a week, cook lots of yummy food (next recipe to try: homemade jalapeno poppers!), take private Pilates classes, go back and forth to Maine to finish the honey bee tattoo on my arm that I’ve just started…and more!
And here’s my confession.
Sometimes it all falls apart. Some days, I feel like a horrible mother. Some days I don’t do the work I need to do in my business. Some days I eat horribly, and feel bloated, tired, and fat. Some days I have anxiety IN MY SLEEP, beginning about an hour or two before my alarm goes off—just thinking about getting out of bed that morning.
Some days I want to kick myself when I hear my daughter mimicking snappy, mean tones of voice I’ve used with her. When I hear her begging me to put my phone/laptop away and listen to her story. When I feed her pasta with butter—the second night in a row.
But here’s the precious thing I’ve learned.
Feeling horrible about myself, making poor choices, being snappy with my girl, letting my daily structure drop…these are all signs that I need to put my own oxygen mask on first– just like they tell us on airplanes.
Such amazing instructions, when you think about it. If a plane were to lose oxygen, our first impulse as parents would be to put our kids’ mask on first, right?
But here’s the thing—if we take care of them first, and neglect, somehow, to get our own mask on, we deprive ourselves of the oxygen WE need to breathe – and ultimately, we’re leaving them alone, without us.
An extreme metaphor, but I now know that when we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t be there for our kids, our work, our partners, or our selves. And while it’s common to be in this mode of self-sacrifice for others (especially as mothers) the lesson I’m sharing with you is that when we prioritize our self-care, we’re actually helping everyone around us.
When I’ve taken time out of my day for me, I can be present for my daughter. I’m not on auto-pilot. I am totally there for my clients, I am focused on my work during the day, I have energy to cook something healthy for myself and my kid for dinner, I listen to my friends without my attention straying to how tired I am.
Self-care can take such simple forms: get into bed earlier. Take a warm, candle-lit bath. Schedule a massage. Have coffee with your best friend. Make a new friend. Have a date-night. Treat yourself to a yummy, healthy meal. Make time to do exercise that you love. Get out at noon to put your face in the sun for 20 minutes.
But remind yourself, as you do whatever it is that feels like self-care — investing in yourself is an investment in your work, your parenting, your partnership. It will enhance everything else you do- and it’s every bit as valuable as putting your own oxygen mask on…first.
What self-care piece can you add to your life this week?
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Britt Bolnick provides structure, support, accountability, and powerful tools for women who are ready to create clarity, balance, and joy from a place of self-empowerment and inner wisdom…in EVERY area of their lives. Find her at In Arms Coaching.