It’s that time of year again and we’re all getting ourselves ready for the back-to-school transition. It’s not always easy, so check out these tips from family therapist Kathryn Snyder of Parent to Child Therapy.
Fading light, a chilling breeze, cool mornings, sneezes, turning leaves. I can be quite wistful at this time of year, filled with nostalgia and even longing for my long-gone school days. However, I step back from this dreamy feeling to remember that with this changing season comes the air of anxiety for kids and families as they head off into their new school years.
Some anxieties may be the typical worry about sending your child off into new territory like preschool, kindergarten, or dare I say it, high school! For other families, the child itself is apprehensive about what their experience might be like, or feel all-out dread that their teacher will secretly be an ogre, that they will have to cross a river of snapping alligators as they enter into the building, or that all of the kids are in a secret society of smart, cool kids that they are not a part of. Whatever the worry may be, it is very real to some children and spreads like invisible wildfire to the most cool-headed of parents. I want to share a few ideas about shrinking this lurking and invisible worry bug without losing your cool or inadvertently making it bigger and stronger.
First, acknowledge that fears exist!
It’s incredibly frustrating to keep dancing around an anxious kid and ignoring the signs that they are stewing about lions and tigers and bears. Parents feel the anxious energy and children do gymnastics to try to get it out of their systems but no one is having fun! Giving voice to this invisible dread puts it on the table to talk about.
Second, listen carefully and reflect what you hear when your child opens up about what they are worried about. Don’t assume that you know that they are worried and it’s probably just like every one else’s worry; that their teacher will be unforgiving in calling on kids whenever he or she wants to and they won’t have the answer. This may pass, but it could also be a deeper worry that needs another approach. And, as you listen and reflect, try to give some words to what you might be reading between the lines. It may seem simple that your child says something about their best friend not being in their class, however, the real source of the worry may be that their classroom is far away from the bathroom and they think that they will have an accident before they get there. Allowing a rambling, and even disjointed story to unfold might reveal the subtext and true worry underneath.
And finally, it’s important to give our children the perspective they need to understand some worries are overblown, and to give them some tools and resources to help. But, it’s also important to not talk too much about worries that are almost always completely unfounded. While, we don’t want to dismiss our child’s worries and push them into the bubbling underworld of misbegotten feelings, we also don’t want to keep them on the table to churn over and over again. Feeding worry in this way can also send the message that the world IS a dangerous place and we need to carefully assess each and every turn that we make in it.
It’s important to recognize the nonverbal cues that our child might be stressed and worried, give a voice to them and label what is happening. Then give some productive solutions and move on. I don’t want to sound flip, because some worries do need extra special care and consideration and a consultation can be really effective.
Sometimes an attentive and considered approach can shoo away the dragons that lurk behind children as they move into the newness of the school year with its very big steps to take as they grow and learn!
Kathryn Snyder is a Board-Certified Art Psychotherapist & Licensed Professional Counselor dedicated to helping children & families survive & thrive in a challenging world. She has been in practice for over 12 years specializing in social & emotional problems of early childhood, adolescence, family lifecycle transitions and postpartum stress. Kathryn founded Parent to Child and Therapy Associates in 2007 to offer high quality, family and child-focused therapy in Center City.