Alice Kaltman, LCSW, founder of Family Matters NY shares a quick tidbit related to parenting and family life. We know you’re pressed for time, so here is a nugget of simple, and hopefully helpful advice (or reassurance!).
Some rare kids share easily.
They value the social perks of generosity over the security of ownership. They give with out provisos. For these lucky ones, sharing reaps its own rewards.
But such kids are few and far between. Most kids have a hard time letting go, even if they didn’t care that much about their belongings before someone else took interest.
Why do kids struggle to share?
From a developmental perspective, it is easy to understand why little kids struggle to share. Toddlers experience everything they can see and feel as extensions of their own corporeal beings. Their homes, their strollers, their friends, their sippy cups, their garbage pails. Parents, in particular, are tough to share. You guys are as much a part of your toddler’s selfhood as they are themselves. You might as well ask them to cut off an arm and give it away.
Not only are toddlers psychologically boundary-less, they also have a fluid sense of time, it’s hard for toddlers to lend something ‘just for a few minutes’. A few minutes could be, like, FOREVER! Or conversely, like, NOW!
Even grade school-aged kids struggle with the concept of sharing for future returns. If they lend a toy to a friend, will they ever get it back? What if she forgets? What if he loses it?
Talk about anxiety provoking. Better not to share at all.
How to help your kids share…
So what can you do to help your little Scrooges grow more comfortable with sharing? First off, lower your expectations and anticipate push back. Talk to your kids ahead of time. Tell them where, when and who they will be expected to share with. Ask them what (they think) they will be okay with sharing, and what they won’t be. Try and honor their restrictions, if they’re at all reasonable. But if they demand a total clamp down of all toys and all people, tell them that in order to make and keep friends they’ll need to share a little bit. Remind them that sharing is usually reciprocal. If they give, they will likely be given to in return.
Some kids are better sharers on home-based playdates if you put away their special toys ahead of time. Let them decide what those special toys or other items are. Don’t be surprised if a long forgotten, rarely played with something-or-other suddenly becomes a treasured favorite. Since it’s highly likely more stuff will suddenly seem special as soon as the guest so much as glances at it, make clear that only a finite number of items can be added to the hidden stash once the playdate starts. Keep those add-ons in the single digits. Agree with your kid before the playdate begins what that number is, and don’t give in if they want to push it further.
When your kid is worried they won’t get an object back and has little concept of time, clock-monitored five to ten minute trade-offs can be helpful. But stay on top of it. Don’t wander off to another room and expect them to give and take on their own without some rebellion.
Never bring beloved, or new toys to playdates or playgrounds, even if your kid insists (aka: whines). Once other kids want to put their grimy paws all over that brand new scooter or teddy bear, all hell will surely break out.
Some kids have a sharing threshold. They’re good for an hour or so, but then it’s over. The grabbing back begins: No you can’t play with that. That’s mine. That too. And that.
Pressuring them to continue to share when they’ve maxed out makes matters worse. Switch activities instead. Create separate spheres where everyone has their own set of identical supplies. Let them do their own things. A little parallel play never hurt anyone. Often after your kid has recalibrated their self/stuff equation they’re physically and psychologically reintegrated and back on sharing track.
Lastly and of course, model the type of behavior you want. Show your kid how great you are at giving. Share your time and attention as well as your belongings. You don’t have to go overboard, ridding yourself of all earthly possessions. None of us are applying for sainthood. Just decent, loving parenthood will suffice.
Alice Kaltman, L.C.S.W. has been working with parents and kids since 1988. In 2006, she co-founded Family Matters NY, a parenting coaching service for Brooklyn and Manhattan families, providing support through workshops, referrals, and private sessions. Alice lives in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn with her daughter and husband. She also writes novels for kids and short stories for adults. You can follow her on Twitter @AliceKaltman or write to her at info@familymattersny.com